writing to myself

Bad Romance

2011-11-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

Lady Gaga's opus Bad Romance has been covered thousands of times, some of the versions are pretty awesome (including hers).

this one is from Tosh's blog and is pretty much the best combination of humor, confusion and scariness: http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2011/11/08/old-chinese-people-in-a-giant-doll-house-covering-bad-romance/?xrs=synd_facebook

For actually being entertaining I like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2L1CUy-MCo

I was friends with this kids older brother when we were young, but now that guy is a shrink in Jax and talks about sexting and stuff with teenagers, so, come to think of it, I should get back in touch with him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZCSgsD8-JI

I bring up Lady Gaga to provide these links and to propose a fun dinner party game. You and a friend compete how many Gaga song lyrics you can work into your conversations before you leave that night, winner gets a helmet of meat.

Movie Review

2011-11-08T09:43:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I went to see Harold and Kumar's Christmas 3d thingamajig.

The entire time NPH is on screen is phenomenal. The rest of the movie, hit or miss. The use of 3d is not worth the extra 5 bucks you have to spend for the privilege to watch the movie with glasses on. The plot, well, what there was of a plot, is about the same as the first HK movie. The characters want to accomplish a simple task and random humorous episodes occur to get in the way of the ultimate goal.

Harold is still asian and awesome but afraid to stand up for himself to a character of another race (this time hispanic instead of the first one white). Kumar is the genius, somehow his indianness has given him innate medical knowledge, but has avoided success at all costs.

The most cringeworthy scene of the movie is Jason Cho showing that he is more blesssed than most asian men.

I am pretty sure I would have enjoyed the whole movie more if the air conditioned and sound was not broke in the theater and the theater did not smell like feet and fart.

I'd recommend anyone with the maturity of a 15 year old boy to go see the whole thing and everyone to find the NPH portion and watch that over and over again.

Baby Care Class

2011-11-07T16:30:00.001-08:00

The wife and I went to a baby care class yesterday. It was a very diverse class, black, asian, white and hispanic couples, none intermixed I promise to you purists out there, but other than the asian parents gasping when the instructor suggested it was okay for the child to get a B, there wasn't much to report about at least when it came to race relations.

That was until we were instructed to go pick up a baby doll that we would use to learn how to hold the baby, wash the baby and change the baby's diapers. They made the partners (i.e. the one's that gave the sperm, the parent or the lesbian buddy, hopefully few crossovers in those three groups) walk to a table and grab the fake baby. As I walked over I noticed that there was one black baby doll. I was behind 4 black men, the Asian and two hispanics, no way I got to use a little Shaniqua to practice on. As each white baby was chosen I saw little Shadynasty laying there waiting to be loved. Of course the Asians and hispanics took white babies, but each black man took a white baby pushing Serena aside. I proudly grabbed Laquisha by her feet. I am sure there is some sort of greater social commentary somewhere other than that black girls have cool names.

name suggestions

2011-11-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

I want to name my daughter Lolita. Stupid master Russian novelists. I still may try to convince the wife. It isn't like a child will know the stigma of the name until she's a teenager and by then the kids are usually well adjusted and can deal with anything.

Lolita is actually my second choice, the first choice is Shaniqua. If you do not like it on my future Jewish princess then you are a racist.

I assume by the time the child makes her debut we will have a name picked out other than Lolita or Shaniqua. We are open to auctioning off the naming rights.

A New Game

2011-10-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

It has been over a year since I posted, awesome.

I thought of a new game for you and your friends to play.

Come up with as many movie titles that are euphamism for taking a dump. Best one wins that round.

Feel free to add to the list, not all of these are mine:

Hustle and Flow

Operation Dumbo Drop

Eat, Sleep, Pray

Twins

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon

Rocky

Raging Bull

Lion King

Paranormal Activity 2

Deuce Bigalow

and of course:

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

my two moms

2010-10-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

My wife has a cousin who has two moms. His mother's are jewish lesbians. The kid is not as awful as I normally make him out to be, but you have to cut him some slack, he has two jewish moms, the guilt and nagging must be excrutiating.

8 years ago, wife and I, at the time she was girlfriend not wife, I think I may have even called her by her real name back then, went to DC. We stayed with her aunts. Her aunts thought it was a great idea for their little child to hang out with us and go into the city. After a day with a hyper 7 year old I was done. The thing never shut up and constantly wanted us to buy it stuff and food. The kid could eat. What the could could not do was shut up, we played the quiet game, he lost quickly.

I have seen him a few times over the years, I went to his bar mitzvah or as a wise man termed it, the cult of child worship. I think he was at my wedding and his moms are plenty nice even if they think I am a moron.

Well, all the grandchildren were in the limo on the way to the funeral of the great dr. al. I was in the grandchildren limo since the wife is a grandchild and the old guy was pretty awesome.

After the festivities were over we were heading back to the house for what I assumed was food and remembering. For some reason we started talking about that trip to DC many years ago. I told the now 15 year old that after spending that day with him I no longer wanted children. He responded, after spending that day with you I no longer wanted a father.

minneapolis

2010-10-04T22:49:00.001-07:00

We did not quite keep up the blogging daily from europe pace we had set out early to do, but that does not mean we did not have a great time.

Sadly a week or so after returning grandfather dr. al passed and we are now in minneapolis for a little while.

Being here has allowed us to spend time with wife's family.

Tonight around 1130 we learned that there was no milk. mama greggy wanted milk in the morning. So wife her brother and I set out on a journey to find milk.

First we drove to walgreens, alas, walgreens was closed. We took a left then realized that this may not be the right way to go to get to the grocery store. The brother turned around. As he turned left heading back towards what we hoped was the right direction he noticed a cop in the rear view mirror. Wife turned around to make sure the cop knew we were not scary looking. I encouraged the brother to slam on the gas and get us out of there.

A few moments later, the cop's lights went on and brother was pulled over. brother turned off the car and realized that the 1986 celebrity's power windows did not work when the light was turned off. He had to open the door for the cop, luckily, he was not shot. The cop asked for his license and the registration of the car. Luckily again the registration was in the glove compartment. The cop also asked for my id and the wife's id. Being a woman, wife did not have her id on her.

The cop took our IDs back to his car with our story that the car was the car of the late dr. al and that we were not joyriding in the classic celebrity.

A few minutes later the cop came to the back seat where wife was. She had to open the door since again, no automatic windows. The cop then pulled her out of the car and handcuffed her. Okay, that's not true. He just wrote down her name and then figured out how we were all connected to each other and that really, all that had been done was brother had made a uturn in minnesotta, well he claims it was not a uturn. We got a warning, we left. It seems that brother was so shaken by the experience that he started to release gas that made me stick my head out of the window like a dog.

We got to the grocery store right as the lights were being turned off. We drove around looking for an open gas station, strictly obeying all the traffic rules.

No milk, sorry mama greggy.

Espana dia dos y tres

2010-08-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

dia dos

we went to meetup with a "free" tour of madrid, the free people never showed which is lucky since wife was late coming back from helado. I did not tell her the free madrid people were a noshow for at least an hour to make her feel bad, I am good person. After the nontour we wandered over to the prado museum. since it is free after 6 we walked up to the park behind the museum to kill time (park retiro) and enjoyed the sights wandering around to the crystal house that was closed for no evident reason. had a beer went to the museum. Saw paintings by velazquez, goya, greco, reubens. mang (wife's favorite) and others. It turns out there are at least 246 ways to paint jesus and/or his mom.

After the museum we had tapas and wandered the city. We ended up at the royal palace and walked by a beautiful concert in the garden near by. We wandered some more got on the train and went back home.

Dia tres or as I like to call it, today.

We got up at the crack of noon and took the metro down to the train station. Eventually I figured out how to buy a ticket to toledo. Toledo is a weird place. They promote it as a city that had three cultures living peacefully together. Even a cursory knowledge of history makes their promotion seem ridiculous. I guess there were a few years here or there that three got along, probably when they had to defend themselves from a common enemy. The place has a way of glossing over the inquisition and the other awful stuff before and after that. In Toledo we went to the sephardic museum. It is a bit odd to see your people put on display as a museum. I had to remind myself that yes, we jews are still around since seeing a yamulke and prayer book behind glass and a brief explanation of what they are would seem to suggest that they were some sort of relic. We topped off the trip to toledo by getting lost in the city, seeing some other random sights and having some great middle eastern food.

We came back to madrid tried again to do a "free" trip, this time a pub crawl, needless to say, no one showed up. We went and had a few beers of our own and ended up staying out past the bus service. We tried to hop on the metro, but the metro stops close to us were shut down for maintenance. A map and a few miles later we got on the metro, the bonus was that while it took an hour longer to get home at least we did not have to switch lines.

Tomorrow we meet the pueblo ingles people for lunch and finish up our stay in madrid.

version de esposa on toledo

all the buildings we saw were from the 1200s to the 1500s, there were don quixote cervantes statutes and bars all around. The fortifications and the sheer number of cultures that had lived there was very interesting. We took a train around the perimeter and got some stories of the history. Other than that, my husband is absolutely correct on everything he wrote.

Espana dia uno

2010-08-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

Last night we left miami flew over to spain on what we thought was a made up airline until the inlaws dropped us off at the airport. There were very few americans on the flight. Turns out neither wife nor I remember much of our high school english, taking hebrew in college was a huge waste.

We landed around noon, breezed through customs got to our hotel and took advantage of the spanish tradition of siesta. At around 7 we headed down to the main part of madrid wandered around bought wife a sweater had some tapas and went to a flamenco show. Wife loved the flamenco show, I enjoyed the music part of it but felt awkward staring at the man who was smaller than I was at 8.

We metrod back to the hotel. dia uno completoed.

version de esposa

Landing in Madrid was very scenic, with lots of big trees and farms.We've met nice and laid back people, who helped us along as we were struggling through Spanish since most Spaniards don't speak English.

The weather right now is perfect - 70's and not windy. It was awesome stepping out of the metro station into a bustling plaza surrounded by old, charming buildings. We kept walking from plaza to plaza with cafes outside. The locals really started coming out around 9pm for dinner. We ate outside and had jamon iberica (Iberian ham, tasty and lean) and croquettas, two must-haves from the area. Delicious food, but mostly meat, potatoes and bread. I already miss fruit and vegetables, but will make an effort to have some eventually.

We went to a Flamenco show at 10:30pm. It was the first time I'd seen a man do flamenco dancing, and it was powerful and dramatic, but also fun to see how much he enjoyed himself. We learned the performers are all gypsies who grew up dancing, singing, or playing guitar for flamenco. Apparently in Spain you can't really perform Flamenco without having grown up learning it.

Finally we're able to get a full night's sleep tonight!

Golf at Poplar

2010-03-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

I played golf at Poplar a local course not too long ago, it is a fun little course that many locals play, many of the people where I live are asian. It was a Wednesday afternoon, I met a friend and we were planning on playing 18. I hadn't played in a while but it was a nice day, the round was pretty cheap and the course is fairly easy with very little penalty for slicing or hooking the drive (meaning all of the fairways are wide and if you miss too badly you are in another hole's fairway and can just hit from there).

As I got ready to tee off an older gentleman pulls his hand cart up and introduces himself and tells us he will be joining us. That sucks, but he seems nice enough, so it will just prolong the round a bit, but no big deal.

I lined up, hit a drive 240 yards but pushed it left onto the adjoining fairway. After I hit the shot a tall skinny guy wearing sunglasses about my age walked up and said he was joining our group as well. Very annoying.

Everyone tees off, I track down my ball, line up with my fairway wood, hit it another 210 straight, but of course straight means down the middle of the other fairway. I hit it almost into an older man on the tee box of the hole I should not have been on. I yell fore, but to no avail. Luckily the ball narrowly misses the man. The man is plenty angry when I walk past him, he admonishes me for not yelling fore. The tall young man is with me and I make it clear to the older gentleman that I did yell fore and that I was sorry he couldn't hear me. I then tell the young man that it is odd that the old man was not asian as usually on this course all of the other people playing are asian. He laughed a little bit, I explained how odd it was to see how few asians were actually on the course today. I walked up to my ball and tried to chip it onto the green.

A few holes go by where I have varying success, but I keep coming back to the Asians not being there. By this time I have figured out that the young man is asian. He is either asian or a methhead, since he is just way too skinny for his height and he has a very faint accent.

The 6th hole is this ridiculously short par 4. It is about 260 to the green. I was second to hit but the group ahead of us was still on the green. Against my better sense I went ahead and hit my drive. The drive landed in the sand trap just short of the green. I laughed a bit then stated that it was odd the people on the green were not asian, I wonder if all the older asian men are on holiday or if they are at older asian man church.

The young man, waiting to take his next drive, rips off his sunglasses displaying asian eyes. He raises his driver and tells me to lay off the asian comments. I reply, first, you don't need a driver on this hole, I mean look where I hit it, second, no fucking way, they're funny.

He seethed, hit his drive (hooked it and was about 40 yards shot of mine). He reiterated that I should shut up, I replied that no, if they weren't funny I would try harder, but that I am not racist and will make fun of jews too if that will make him feel better. He storms off to his ball. I stop at my friend's ball since he had hit a pretty crappy shot 100 yards or so behind mine. The asian man kept walking, went into the sand trap and grabbed my ball as well. He continued his march and went back to the 4th hole to play by himself. The older man inquired what he was doing and he said that he did not want to deal with an asshole like me. After my friend hit his shot I dropped a ball where he took it from, put it on the green and 2 putted for par. As I got on the green I told the older man how glad I was that the asian guy was asian and not arab as now I did not have to fear for my safety.

Bay

2010-02-24T13:51:00.000-08:00

So, I get downstairs to what can best be described as a holding cell. Stan is sitting on a bench. There are a few security guys standing around then another few guys in suits. Stan's wallet is sitting in a plastic container on the other side of the room. The suited man who had been in a yelling contest with me in the poker tournament demanded my wallet. I told him no fucking way. I let him know that I would not give him my ID and that he would have to go into my pockets and get it if he wanted it and that we both knew he was not going to do that. He then asked why I was down there. I told him, they brought me here, let me grab my friend and his wallet and get out of here. They said no, but you better get out of here. I told him that I wanted to stay to protect my friend's rights. They said that if I did not leave by the count of 3 they would have me arrested for disorderly conduct. I laughed and told them they were full of crap. Stan though encouraged me to leave after the count of 2. At 2 I told them I was taking my friend's wallet and he was coming with me, they had other ideas. Two of the bigger security guards grabbed me and manhandled me out of the holding cell.

The older security guard reiterated at this point that I should just be quiet and nothing would happen. I pointed out that nothin had happened, but I wanted to know what would happen to Stan. The older security guard told me they would keep him there for 10-15 minutes try to intimidate him a bit then ban him from the mandalay bay and maybe all MGM properties. I was escorted out of the building near a taxi stand. I stood there for 10-15 minutes talking with the security guards, one came with the older gentleman and a third showed up on a bike. They wanted me to get in a taxi right away and I made it clear I was not going without my friend even though again they threatened to call the cops for disorderly conduct. Again, I decided it was a prudent time to mention I was an attorney and I knew they were full of crap. Eventually the three of them softened, I mean around me, who can stay mad. We were joking around and having a good time. After fifteen minutes they left saying, ya, this was a waste of our time and went away. I stood around for another 10 minutes or so getting a little ancy. I found out that if a cop car had come the cop would have had to walk right by where I was so that made me a little less concerned. I figured the worst they were going to do was push him around a bit and threaten to have him arrested for something or another.

Finally, out comes Stan followed by 6-9 people. The suited man who liked to yell was there with another few security guards. I grabbed Stan, pushed him into a taxi. The security guards were shouting that I better do that which made me want to not leave, but I was already sitting down and I am lazy. Stan was yelling angrily at the guards and the suited man. He then started commenting that he did not know where his money was. I had the cab stop. One of the taxi people was like, fuck ya, what's going on. The suited man said the money was in his pocket. Stan checked and most of the money was in his pocket (so if they took any, they were smart about it and did not take more then a few hundred out of the massive amount of cash Stan had on him).

I thanked the taxi stand guy, closed the door and the cab driver drove us back to the venetian. Stan had missed his flight and I had to communicate to his wife what was going on. Stan eventually joined us for dinner, booked a flight for early in the morning. Dinner was filled with hangover references. Stan gave some of the details of what happened while he was in the cell:

They moved him into a few different rooms. They would grab his arm and twist on his skin when he mentioned that he was an attorney they became even more physical with him. they yelled at him then left him alone then yelled at him some more. At one point he got one of the quieter security guys attention and started pleading to be told what he had done wrnog and how he could get them to stop so he could just leave. By the time he left he was very riled up. Stan is a rather mild mannered guy so I tend to believe him that they were less then cordial in the backroom.

I enjoyed being harrassed by the security and got a good laugh at their attempts to intimdate me, but I think they had a little more to lean on Stan about since he had been cursing and was rather drunk, still, not sure why there was so much effort put into treating him so horribly. For me, it was awesome, I would love to go through it again, it is not a surprise to anyone who knows me that I would enjoy and be entertained by this.

It has been over a month since it happened and I am really glad it did. I have not gambled since that trip and it is a great story of my last poker hand, getting dealt aces but being sent down to a holding cell before I got to play them.

Mandalay

2010-01-21T23:53:00.001-08:00

I must apologize upfront, this post does not give what happened justice. I have tried to recreate this story a few times since it happened sunday night, but I just have failed. I end each telling of the story and begin each telling of the story the same way. It was so awesome.

I guess it began at lunch at the Burger bar in between mandalay bay and luxor. My friend and I, let's call him Stan decided to split a pitcher of beer, then another one while enjoying our fantastic burgers with two other friends. Stan is a bit hard of hearing, so I do not know if he heard my request to share the pitchers, but it worked out. After multiple trips to the bathroom and watching the end of the first half of the jets-chargers game we wandered mandalay bay poker room. The details at this point are hazy. Not sure how I ended up sitting next to Stan after one of the other guys had left and the other guy was at the table too. I think I recall giving my car keys to one of them and one of them leaving in a huff, none of that is important.

Over the next, well I have no idea how long, Stan and I played low limit poker in a manner fitting those with immense knowledge of the game and an immense amount of alcohol. For some reason they kept bringing us more and more jameson. Stan would make raises and calls with not so good cards, win huge hands, lose huge hands and really not care. I asked people at the table some of my favorite questions and made some of my favorite comments.

Okay, I am just not getting to the point.

Stan started to get warned for his language. He could not hear the warnings. Eventually, the manager of the poker room came and made the dealer stop dealing him cards. I played a hand or two while I helped stack his chips up so we could leave. All of the sudden, a large angry man approaches the table, I look at my hand. I have aces. He forcibly grabs my hand, puts the cards back in the middle and says I have to leave. I stood up, asked him what the fuck he was doing and what was going on. He told me if I did not leave he would have the small security guy to my left read something to me. I asked him what I did wrong and what rational reason he had for me to leave. He cuts me off, asks his small security guard to read to me the piece of paper. I can only catch every few words. I finally heard some. The paper outlined the process for me getting thrown out of the casino. I had two more warnings then they would ask me to leave the premises. I asked if I could read the paper so I could better understand it, they wouldn't let me. I asked again, ok, that's it, get your chips together, the security will escort you to get your money. I started laughing at that point. I looked down counted my friend's money and grabbed my money as the small guard grabbed my arm. I told him to stop touching me and that I was making sure I got all my money. They were calling to another guard asking to get a wheelchair to help A second older guard joined me in walking to the cage to get my cash. I started asking again to read the paper. Still, not allowed to. I keep asking and trying to figure out why my friend cursing a little too much has escalated to this. The older guard tells me that if I just keep quiet and take my money there is no problem. I ask about my friend, wandering why he isn't behind me.

The small guy says, well, your partner is downstairs. My first response was, what the fuck? My partner? I made it clear I had a friend not a partner, not gay or cheating, just better then the other players even drunk. The small guy seems to appreciate the little humor. My two guards seem to have let their guard down. As I was getting my money, thinking, crap, would've been nice to play those aces.

Just as I thought things were getting better on my end, I tell them how much I would like to have played my aces. The small guy says, well, we could send you to jail for disorderly conduct. I told him, jackass, I am an attorney, you can't pull that crap on me. Where the hell is my friend, take me downstairs so I can help him out since he is probably too drunk to figure out he doesnt have to put up with your crap. They obliged and led me downstairs, to the place I only read about in bringing down the house. So, that's where hte story gets good, I figure you didn't read this far, so I'll stop and start the rest in a post in the next day or so.

Supreme

2010-01-10T23:31:00.001-08:00

I took a trip back east last month. Part of the trip was going to the Surpeme Court for an argument. The argument was about Florida, rich people, their beachfront property, erosion, the government trying to fight the erosion and property rights. or as Judge Alito put it, Spring break parties in front of mansions where the ocean used to be. I was struck by a number of things on my visit:

1) I can walk into even holy government builidngs just by smiling and looking like I belong. That and actually belonging helped. Just by saying, hey, I should be in the front of the line got me to the front of the line, but in the end, not bein able to folllow simple directions to get to an office and pick up my tickets made me 20 minutes late. I don't think I missed much unless the judge get introduced as they stride to their seats and don their robes. Eventually I got in after circling the buidling twice with my friend and hearing about his non HIV exploits (he has been working in Africa for a while and I assumed he had gotten AIDS by being there). Eventually we made it into the courtroom.

2) There is a picture of Muhammed on the awning on both sides of the interior of the Courtroom itself. All the great lawgivers are up there and Muhammed is clearly there with his weapon and a book and the outfit. I think it is a bad idea to mention this as to not anger the muslims, but he's there and he's beautiful.

3) Judges are funny, some of them crack jokes at the lawyer's expense or just make fun of the case in general. Clarence Thomas is laughing and having a great time the whole argument, he just isn't sharing the joke with anyone but Justice Breyer. I really wanted to give him a big bear hug, but I did not get to meet him.

After the argument we were able to get a behind the scenes tour. My clerk friend showed us his office, the basketball court and a few other places. I was hoping to meet Thomas or Sotomayer, but neither happened.

I did get to meet their clerks and some of the clerks from a number of other justices. Smart motivated people. I made my friend nervous by talking about jews when I met Ginsburg's clerks, but I usually can read a room and did not embarrass him too much. I had alot more to blog about right after it happened, but alas, I just didn't write up my brilliant thoughts until now, sorry.

goooolf

2009-11-24T22:09:00.000-08:00

I played golf a little while ago. The individual I was playing with and I got paired with a 50 year old irish man and his 30 year old friend.

The friend was a red headed young lady. As it normally happens, I started talking to these two. An obvious question, why did you move here? She moved out to be with her partner. Partner? What sort of business? I work at a hardware store. Okay, I'm confused.

OOOOOOOH. So next hole, I tell her, well, from now on I am telling people my wife is my partner just to confuse people. She smiles uneasily.

A few holes later after I hooked a shot almost into a 65 year old man walking the course a few holes behind me then hooked another one the next hole into a tree. I cursed, blamed asians. She said, I should probably find Jesus. I reply, well, that's rich coming from a lesbian.

Turns out I was right. I assumed though as soon as I meet any woman playing golf that she is a lesbian.

I would be a better golfer if I were a lesbian.

2009-11-21T10:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to Bay 101 with a friend from high school. He insisted that we play 3-6 limit. I have not played 3-6 limit sober in a very long time. The game is incredibly boring.

Still, there we were, waiting 2 hours to sit down at a 3-6 limit texas hold em table.

Finally, we got seats and as it worked out, the seats were at the same table. The table was pretty talkative. To my right there was a 68 year old black man who had to leave by midnight due to the terms of his probation. I found out that he was on probation for both the use and sale of narcotics. There were two hispanic men, one country girl and the rest asian.

As soon as I sat down I announced that I would either raise or fold from there on. I also bought in for more chips then anyone had at the table. I started architectural wonders with my chips and raising and winning pots either by default or actually have the cards. The whole time I never shut up.

Eventually, the other people at the table started to become annoyed. Eventually was about 2 minutes. One guy threatened me, he had tattoos, so maybe I should have been nervous, but his tattoo was a quote about if you arent for yourself who will be for you and if you are only for you who are you or something like that. I just made fun of him and took all of his chips. The white girl, well, she was not happy with me, I ruined her nice peaceful game where she got attention for being a white girl playing poker. Her boyfriend was there with her. He had a hickey. I asked if that's how you could tell he had aids. She tried to be mean to me, I think, but she was so slow that whatever mean things she said made either no sense or I could twist to make them sound like compliments which made her happy, needless to say, she left and went to another table.

One hispanic guy who seemed nice enough was alone with me in a small pot. Before the flop, I told the guy, hey, I'll check it down whatever it is, so he of course bets right away. I call because I had the nut draw and I hit my draw on the turn. I told him again, it's not too late to check down, he bet, I raised. He bet again no the river, I raised again, he called, I said, yay, I have the nuts, got the chips and made him feel bad about himself.

The other hispanic guy and I talked in spanish to each other about dancing with dogs, puntas and other things that I am not sure what mean.

I won a little bit of money, but I made other people feel worse about themselves, so that makes me the real winner. I got to mix the ultra agressive obnoxious low limit poker stylings of the deaf dan and the winning personality of a certain supreme court justice clerk with my own arrogant twist. Good times. It was like being back in AC during law school only without having to be in Jersey or actually spending time with the law school people.

Sad news, but bad management

2009-10-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

It is hard to make a joke about this article http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/26/child.prostitution/index.html

I mean, we all like jokes about relations with underage people, but I am assuming the article isnt about 17 year old high school seniors. (or in some instances 16 year old).

What jumped out to me about this article is 60 pimps were arrested and 55 children were found. Now, I am not an expert in the pimp - whore relationship, but shouldn't the pimp number be less than the prostitute number. I do not know what sort of profit margin you can have on .9 child prostitute per pimp. I would like this joke better if they were just regular prostitutes, or at the leats 17 year old prostitutes, I am going to just assume child equals 17 and precocious.

this week

2009-10-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

I am on a doc review project, got to pay for my advertising mistake, advertising with Christian radio did not result in one phone call let alone one client. I knew Jesus hated me.

It has been fun balancing my clients, doc review and whatever else I do with my time.

The doc review is a hoot. I am torn, I did go to one of the best law schools in the country so it should be hurtful to my ego, but I am too amazing to worry about that. On this review in particular 30 attorneys set it in a non-airconditioned room and every 5 or 6 hours get given an hour or 2 worth of work. Basically, I am getting paid a decent hourly wage to do what I did while I was cooped up with my ankle and not getting paid. An hour or two of work and lots of internet and tv, now it is ipod instead of tv.

I should find a way to work in an asian joke. Oh, one of the guys sitting near me is Asian, went to Cal (redundant). Sadly I have only offended a few people so far at the review, but if it keeps going, I think I can get half the people to hate me in some meaningful way. Oh, more asian joke. There is an Asian lady here with blonde hair, the rarest of all species. Luckily she does not drive into the office, her boyfriend picks her up, so we are safe.

I am looking forward to being done with the double duty crap and getting back to just having my own thing to worry about. I have rediscovered how poor I am at having a boss who I can not be sarcastic too without some sort of reprecussion, not that that stops me.

Asians

2009-10-06T09:46:00.001-07:00

I learned a valuable lesson last week. Do not play basketball with Asians, ever. I should have learned this lesson before. A quick flashback:

1999 - 2 on 2 basketball in Boston. It is about 930pm so the gym is closing soon. Only 3 guys left, all asian - 15 minutes later heading to hospital with severely strained ankle. Stuck on crutches in the middle of Boston winter. Luckily all I missed was classes.

2001 - Full court basketball - only 5 asians playing. Same gym as 1999, (ironically a gym right next to the BU law school, maybe that should have told me law would cause me pain). Ball loose around mid court. I ran, elevated to grab it. Up comes an asian man, the top of his head lodges into my fron two teeth. His head bleeds, my teeth are dislodged, off to the dentist the next morning, oral surgery and some braces, good times. I do not know what happened to the asian man who I put a hole in his scalp, but I hope he bled to death.

2002 - College graduation was closing in but I returned to the basketball court of pain. Asians only one's playing, I did not want to go upstairs and lift weights. I was in the hospital overnight for a concussion, whores.

2002 - 2009 - shoulder, ankles, hips, back injuries mostly associated with basketball with asians.

August 2009 - Concussion because asian decides to trip me and I go head first, luckily no teeth moved.

October 2009 - Ankle sprain because asian falls guarding me as I jump to put a layup in. As I come down asian screams in fear since my legs are heading rights towards his face. I move my legs so as not to hurt the asian, end up falling on side of foot rolling over it, pain, big ankle, black marks all over the foot, doctor today, let's see if I am going to live.

Just dont play basketball with asians. Driving is not the only thing Asians do dangerously.

Sad Day

2009-10-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day, worked til 2 then played golf at half moon bay, kept the score under triple digits despite not really playing that well. Now that I have had time to think about the whole playing golf on a thursday afternoon thing I realize how damn lucky I have been. this is not out of the ordinary, we have been playing midweek golf for a while now on a fairly normal basis. But alas, now, things are about to change.

People are letting me down. Of the two guys I normally play with one had a kid the other graduated from school and got a real job, what the hell.

What about my needs? I guess now I will just have to find more clients and not have at least 4 free hours a week, aweful.

Miner's Day Parade

2009-09-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

As you land in Salt Lake City you see a clean white city surrounded by clean white mountains with a hint of green. As you get off your plane you see an airport that is clean and lots of white people. When you get to Park City you see white people, money, trees and clean.

Instead of celebrating Labor Day in Park City, they celebrate Miner's Day. As far as I could tell, Miner's day is a celebration of Miners and their balls. The day's festivities started with a running of the balls. The town lets 3000 balls (not 1500 Mormon men - though there were mormons trying to pass out brochures which is odd in Utah, I mean it is their home field, they dont have to wear the name tags and outfit, I just assumed everyone I met who wasnt drinking a soda or a beer was a Mormon) run down the main street, the people who sponsored the ten balls that finish first win something, no idea what. It was amazing to see thousands of people lined on a street trying to catch a glimpse of range golf balls slowly rolling down the street. After that excitement the street clears and the town has what can only be described as the worst parade ever.

The three mayoral candidates have either a car or a group of people with a banner walking down the street. One of the mayoral candidates sits in her car and asks how much the bathing suit that is on sale at the street sale she drives past costs. The woman is 65 so the thought of her in a bikini cost her my nonvote. The best float was a small soccer field where people stood and threw miniature soccer balls. On the side of the float was a law firm advertising that they could kick your legal problems. I thought it should have said, jew and jew law, we have balls, but most people seemed to enjoy just getting free miniature soccer balls to throw at the floats that followed the law firm float. I hit a camel with my ball, odd that there was a camel walking the streets of Park City, but the theater group wanted to make a point about something, no idea what. One group of people walking in the parade were throwing beads. Unfortunately normal rules did not apply.

After the parade the town had the miner games, which as far as I could tell was a competition of who could move dirt the fastest. The only entertaining part of this was seeing a few Mexican men who were digging a hole stop from their work to grab some water and wipe off the sweat. the Mexicans had a puzzled expression as they look on the competition, white people, moving dirt, white people cheering about the dirt, odd. The Mexicans, after 15 seconds went right back to finishing with their work. They scurried off when they were done and seemed appreciative when I told them me gusta bailar con tu perro. It was a real moment.

Still, it was fun being in Utah. We went hiking and biking which if you know me is as hilarious as it sounds.

shotguns cause giddiness

2009-09-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

Guns seem to make me giddy. I don't know why firing a shotgun makes me feel more like a man, but I am sure I am not the only one. To be fair, I have only fired a gun maybe 25 times in my long life. 15 of those times coming this past weekend skeet shooting at Nellis in 115 degree Vegas. As I was being cooked in the Vegas sauna I got to blow up some clay things. Well, maybe like 3 of the 15 I saw.

There were 6 of us. It was odd that the one who was best at blowing the orange orbs up was the Asian. I think all of the video games his people played has genetically turned him into a stone cold killer. Luckily the shooting was straight on so he did not have to worry about the peripheral vision not that his eye shape effects his ability to drive or look side to side.

The jews, all three of us, were mediocre at best. One of the jews shot well right away, I was mediocre at best and the third, gosh, well even a blind squirrell can find his nuts from time to time. (meaning hit once and have no idea how the hell that happened.) In the end we all were pretty sweaty and whiney.

The mormon had funny underwear and hit only a few, but the one that mattered, the 20-1 shot that made me some money off the bachelor.

The bachelor figured it out by the end and was not as good as the china man, but definitely the only other one who could hit the orb on a relatively regular basis.

Anyhow, the gun made me feel good about myself so maybe I should get four or five of them for home to protect myself from the commies.

camp twitch and shout

2009-07-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

I am not even this offensive

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/27/tourette.camp/index.html

Aussie Rules Football

2009-07-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

While in Oz last week I went to a Brisbane Lions v. Geelong Cats game. They play a version of football that does not have pads or overhand passing. It was highly entertaining. In one sequence a man threw an elbow at another man's head then a third man was thrown in the air and met the goal post with his stomach as he flew parralel to the ground. The crowd yelled at the ref for calling a penalty and booed the man for not getting up quicker after catching a few ribs on the post. Everyone was drinking heavily (shocking as I was in Australia) and as soon as they found out we were American, they were buying us beers as well. We were in the Geelong section even though the game was in Brisbane. Geelong as far as I can tell is an imaginary place near Melbourne. Even though Brisbane beat the crap out of Geelong the Geelong supporters were still full of energy, waiving their pom poms, singing their songs and getting incredibly sloshed. I havent been to an American football game in a long time, really prefer just watching it on TV, but I think the Aussie game is much more entertaining to see in person. The players are all very athletic, but none of them are big muscular steroid type guys so that was a pleasant change. I couldnt relate to them since I am a beast, but I think most people can relate better to those tall lean guys then the thick men that play football here and rugby there.

thinking fool

2009-07-15T21:39:00.001-07:00

I am angry, very angry. Thinking Fool claims to have stopped blogging. I would kindly ask him/her to reconsider this decision. It is like if jesus had decided to stop living on earth and performing miracles just so he could go to heaven and absolve mankind of its sins. Just like that.

Bob Newhart

2009-06-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

When given the opportunity to drive 7.5 hours round trip to see an hour show of a man 80 years old I would say most people would sign up and get right in the car. Luckily the tickets were free and off we went to tahoe. My trip started well when we got there just in time to bet the Belmont and I picked the winner on a big 2 dollar bet. 25 bucks, we going sizzla. My budd who did not want to gamble but enjoyed watching me lose saw me play my least favorite game, blackjack and give back that 25 and a bit more. Then we went to dinner, me down 45 bucks, so, just enough to brood but not enough to be angry unless you have a problem.

We go back, I play craps, because, hey, what else will we do for the hour before the show. My buddy watches me with the shooter to my right. The guy gets the point, I put out my bets, one number hits, my buddy asks, so, hey, you want those numbers to come up before the 7 right? Well, crap, craps, shooter out, my turn to shoot. I kindly tell him to go away and commence my rolling. For the next 45 minutes I hit point after point and get number after number. My buddy shows up with about 15 minutes more before the show. This is when I get gas. My buddy standing behind me is not happy with this but recognizes the gravity of the situation and only grimaces. I turn ot the wife of the man to my left who has made a few hundred dollars and apologize, she replies, it's okay, with how you are rollin you can do whatever you want. The raw eggs smell permeated the air for the next 15 minutes as I continued to roll. At 730 exactly, I get a 7, grab my chips to a loud cheer from the table and go watch Newhart. What a rush, until we get the showroom and see an opening act of a 75 year old woman singing and dancing and telling us about her hips and sexlife. All good runs must come to an end.

Battle of the Bay

2009-06-10T02:27:00.000-07:00

I played in a largeish poker tourney this week. One of my lasting memories from it was commenting how many Phillipinos were at the casino and have a phillipino at my table take offense. I further explained to him, that no, it is not racist or offensive, it is merely true. There are way too many Manilans in Daly City/Colma and Lucky Chances for any of those mexican asians to mind the fear they instill into white people.

I unfortunately did not get to knock manny pacquiau's cousin out. But I did get to knock out a few of the other cousins who were in the tourney.

New Justice

2009-05-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

By all accounts Judge Sonia Sotomayor is an intelligent fascinating woman who is qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice. What I do not understand is why she insists on doing McDonald's commercials --- mccafe

spelling bee

2009-05-29T13:19:00.001-07:00

I think they should disband the national spelling bee. Not just because Indians win it, but because it is worse then 5yr old beauty pageants. You f with the kid as much as you f with the cute kids and ruin their lives for what, to have a future hotel owner spell ramada and win a portion of their text books in college?

SF Blues Festival

2009-05-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

Wife and I went to the SF Blues and R&B festival on complete accident. We were going to the Cal. Academy of Science because we are dorks.

The half hour I spent at the festival made me realize that segregation was good for some things. White people in general should not go to Blues and R&B festivals. I did not even know there were black people in SF outside of Hunters Point and the Tenderloin. Well, anyhow. Overweight black chick singing about men and how she did not need them. A few black men playing some instruments with some older white dudes playing guitar. Without segregation none of these embarrassing people would ever interact with each other.

bar

2009-05-11T11:08:00.001-07:00

Just ran into a young lady studYing for the bar. The test is 2 and a half months from now and she is already hunkered down at panera getting ready. Unless she already failed a few times she needs to relax (if she has already failed a few times I shouldnt have told her it is an easy test and that only morons fail). I mean you have to study, but killing tourself for 10 weeks is not the answer. The hardest part of the thing is not beating yourself up on test day. I mean, if I can pass anyone can pass. The best reassurance is when you drive into the parking lot and there are a few caravan of older mexican men waiting inline to take the test. You point to the Home Depot and say, hey guys, wrong parking lot, but nope, they are there to take the test. Just learn the law, practice your multiple choices and get used to arguing facts against themself and you will be fine. Also, if some strange man talks to you in a panera because his laptop is takin too long to boot up, ignore him, he has nothing but bad intentions for you.

stupid sayings

2009-05-04T21:47:00.001-07:00

I was talking to someone about the Kentucy Derby before the race on Saturday. He said, a 50-1 shot would never win, he said he would "bet his life on it"

Now, what the hell does that mean? Do I get his life now that the 3yr old long shot came in? Does it mean I get to live twice as long? Do I get to kill him for entertainment? Do I get all the money he ever makes? Do I get his wife? his girlfriends? his boyfriends? his kids? Do I have to pay his taxes? What a dumb saying. I mean, if the horse lost and became glue like we all thought would happen what would he have won? I didn't agree to give my life or even the life of any future children in the bet? So, he was basically risking his everything for no return? Just a dumb saying, I think saying it makes him dumb, I should get to ride him down the homestretch.

Fuuutbol game

2009-05-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of going to the San Jose Quakes game tomorrow evening. That may be the dumbest Idea ever. First, the team is named Earthquakes int he Bay Area, how does that even make sense?

That is a dumb reason. The real reason is, ya, let's go to a confined place with a bunch of Mexicans cheering and drinking, brilliant.

I miss SARS

2009-04-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Harken back to a more peaceful time, circa 2002, asians wearing masks, asians coughing, possible pandemic. SARS was far easier to deal with then the swine flu. It may be that I did not live in San Francisco at the time, but even in Boston I could avoid contact with Asians so I was not worried about catching whatever SARS was.

Now, crap, can you avoid Mexicans? Can you even tell who is Mexican and who is either well tanned or from Honduras or Nicaragua? I mean we gamble in Vegas how many Mexicans we will see handing out those flyers on our walks from casino A to casino B. (The over under can be as high as 110 depending on the length of the walk). The drawback to the bet is that really, how the hell do we know if the guy showing me how to get a lovely lady to my room in under 40 minutes is Mexican or El Salvadorian or even Phillipino? I even get mistaken for a mexican when I am abroad and tanned.

Crap, we're all going to die

Baseball Game

2009-04-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

I went to the A's Rays game last night with the wife. It was cold as Susan Boyle's hoohoo. We had amazing seats; 4 rows behind the first baseman. The first 2 and a half innings took over an hour and a half (the game mercifully lasted just over 3 hours). The Rays were up 6-0 (ended up winning 8-2); good times.

In the 4th inning the first baseman, Mr. Crosby (a 1st baseman batting 9th, A's are in trouble) fielded the 3rd out and before trotting back to his dugout tossed a ball into our portion of the stands. There were 3 little kids right in front of me. They had all been well behaved and were yelping like lapdogs as the ball left Crosby's hand. Each kid had a glove, as a self-respecting man, I did not have a glove at a baseball game (a 25yr old behind me did have a glove and I berated him about how that made him a woman or a sissy; to be fair, I tried to get wife to bring a glove since our seats were prime foul ball seats, but she passed).

As the ball got closer I readied myself to lunge over the little kids to catch the ball. I realized in that split second that I would then be giving up my biggest advantage, my height and size. The ball came down into the kid in front of me's gloves. As soon as I heard the ball and the fake leather combine I reached down into his glove and grabbed the ball. To see the look of horror, pain and disappointment on his face was the greatest satisfaction I have ever had. His tears gave me strength. If I had AIDS, his tears would have cured it.

After taking a picture with the ball and tormenting the child with how disappointed I was that he couldnt hold onto a light toss I gave the ball back to one of the other kids just so I could get some more tears. I mean really, what am I going to do with a baseball?

Jesus

2009-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

Jesus came to me in a dream last night. He says hi.

O BAAAM A

2009-04-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

A police officer friend of mine was walking along Hunter's Point (that's where MLK Blvd is or would be in SF). He is walking his beat when a 14 yr old african child runs out and starts yelling, "We got you! We got you! O Bama! O BAAAM A! We got you!"

Racism is dead.

Boyle

2009-04-20T17:41:00.001-07:00

I am sure Susan Boyle from the youtube and the england is a lovely lady, but really, she is not that ugly and not that talented. I do not see what the big deal is. This is a far better youtube clip and much more inspiring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k

Or this: Asians

Worst Post Ever

Clients suck

2009-04-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

I like to believe I have some sort of relationship with reality, but I am jealous of Mr. Draper. Mad Men's beautiful man gets to fire clients when they do not buy into his pitches. I wish I could fire clients. I have so few of them that I can not afford to fire any of them for any reason short of asking me to commit malpractice (and even then, jk).

Still, when a client changes his mind whether or not to file bankruptcy 4 times and gives you a check that he emails you 20 minutes after giving it to you that it may bounce, you want to tell him where he can stick it (hint: in that new youtube les mes singer's ass). Instead, I tell him that until I get some actual money I can not do work on his case. Of course, that's a semi-bluff and I need him to come through with not only some money but some referrals.

I am better looking then Mr. Draper.

How I passed college

2009-04-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

My university required 4 semesters of a foreign language. I thought that was excessive and after my third semester of hebrew decided to sign up for the class and stop going. It was more that I was the only one in the class not fluent in the language and I have this intimate distaste of being the stupidest person in the room (except if it is with my wife, I am awesome).

I had the same Hebrew teacher 3 of the 4 semesters. I have always been a lovable guy even at 20 so the 40 year old Israeli lady had an apparent effection for me. While I am incredibly good looking, the though of an older lady wanting some of this did not cross my mind in my younger days (now I think every 60 year old wants me).

A few days before the final I moseyed into the teacher's office hours. We exchanged pleasantries. She quickly got to the point; mentioning she missed having me in class and wondering if I had any interest in taking the midterm or any of the other tests or quizzes from the semester. I explained that my taking those exams was fruitless, but that I would realy like to pass the course. She smiled and I took that as an invitation. I offered her a choice, I would either sleep with her or babysit her children for a passing grade.

Her smile got broader and she gave let a few moments of silence pass. She let a little giggle out then when I did not do anything (until now I did not even realize the signals she was giving me, I sucked) she gave me a counter offer. She offered me a passing grade if I showed up and took the final. I asked her for a B if I showed up and either babysat her or failed at pleasing her. She countered again with a B if I passed the final.

I quickly asked for the time and date of the final and was on my way. After studying for a few days I showed up. I have no idea what I got on the final, but I had a B+ on my transcript.

Malpractice?

2009-04-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/properties/fuscobros/home.php

As I am now working on my own in the profession I am concerned more then ever of the possibility of committing malpractice. At my old firm, f- it, if I messed up it wasn't my ass, I was the new attorney, my partner would get the anal fissure before I did.

Now, shit, should I have emailed that, oops, did I tell that client everything he needs to know, I better follow that up with at least an email.

Last year, legal work from a poker table made sense to me, billable hour plus profit for me, now, probably not a good idea, probably, ok, no, bad idea.

The point of this is, nonlawyers have no idea how much by the balls they can have their attorney. Charge me a little too much (or the right amount, no material difference), I am going to report you to the bar. Not return my phone calls, notify your carrier. It is like the middle school teacher being accused of rape when all he has done is give the bitch an F in the A, or B, just having too many people accuse of something wrong is enough.

So, I had a middle school teacher accused of having a conversation of a sexual nature and attempting to schedule a bit of loving wiht a ten year old girl online. Turns out, not a ten year old girl, instead, federal agents, but hey, both can type no hair anywhere and whatever else is good about ten year olds. One day, cops show up at school and escort the teacher away and the school distances themselves from the man. Only problem, not true, teacher did nothing wrong. First clue, guy was queer, oh well, they'll get it right next time.

Famous People 3: Robin Williams

2009-02-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I was a huge fan of Robin Williams; I loved Toys, Aladdin and Planet of the Apes (he is hairy). Fisher King was a quality film and his accent wasnt that aweful in Goodwill Hunting. Patch Adams convinced me to go to law school instead of med school, so that was good for some patients.

I was visiting NYC and sipping coffee at Starbucks with the fiancee at the time and a friend. We were having our usual conversation of mocking asians, lawyers and jews. I look left and see a hairy man walk into Starbucks with what I assume was 15 year old asian boy. I pointed out what could have been Robin Williams to my friend. He thinks it is him, wife agrees, I look closer. The hairy man had purple hair a leathery face and just looked aweful. The asian boy was uncomfortably close to him. I shared these thoughts with the table.

- Dude, that's not Robin Williams, that guy is way too old. Purple freaking hair. Looks drunk, run down and what's with the asian boy toy.

The man walks quickly through the store, gets his order quickly and runs out of the store with the asian boy closely at hand.

As I went to get a slice of pumpkin bread I inquired if I was the only one who thought that man looked like a crappy version of the Fisher King. The barrista informed me that it was the Genie and that Mork came in almost every night to get his mocha whatever whatever.

A week later, Robin Williams checked into rehab. I like to think I had a hand in pushing him into improving his life.

Famous People 2: Jerry Rice

2009-01-23T12:40:00.001-08:00

I had the joy of running into a few more famous people recently, or they were lucky to see me. In this post, I anger Jerry Rice in a better post soon I anger Robin Williams.

Mr. Rice was two or three groups in front of me playing at half moon bay's old course. Great course, I blew a 4 shot lead over the final two holes, I am awesome, but that's not that interesting.

We were a few minutes early to start our round, so we drove our carts to the first tee and did some practice putting just off the tee box. (Carts are gay, anger they make you use one sometimes on these posh courses). After a few minutes of putting I went back to the cart to grab my cell phone to see if somehow a real firm had magically gotten my number and called me to offer me a real job.

My douche friend who I was playing with points to a black person and says, hey that's jerry rice, I assume every black person I see is Obama or Will Smith so I disagreed.

The black man went into the clubhouse and came out a few moments later, sure enough, Jerry Rice. I asked him to sign my golf ball, but he probably just thought I said my balls(or maybe I congratulated him on winning the election) and drove off to the tee. As he was about to hit I realized my cart was facing the wrong direction so I began to back it up to make the turn towards our tee. Rice's tee shot sprayed right almost hitting a poor mexican man working on one of the homes surrounding the course. Jerry turned, glared at me, muttered, got into his cart and drove off to his ball. I felt good about myself.

Prop 8

2008-12-14T21:40:00.000-08:00

As a straight man I feel my opinion on gay marriage is as relevant as my opinion on a woman's right to choose, hunter's right to hunt or priest's right to touch. (for the record yes, yes, yes, no)

Anyways, my opinion on gay marriage makes no difference and should be as much part of the debate as paris hilton's view on anything but green lit porn with raccoon eyes.

Still, I do not get it. How can we not take the opportunity to tax the shit out of those section of the population. The gays as anatomy has taught us, can not reproduce without the help of science. Most of the gays therefore do not waste their money on things like diapers, college, abortions or therapy for the touching. They have nicer houses, nicer cars, better clothes and can afford to eat only organic foie gras or whatever they may want. The reasons gays are into such weird shit is that they can afford the nicest leather pants and the therapy it takes to get over whatever caused boy george.

We should let these people marry so we have a way of tracking who they are and levying a nonkids tax on anyone who marries someone of the same sex. Gays gets bumped up to a higher bracket unless they adopt or do whatever else those people do to get kids. redistribute the wealth from those smart enough not to have kids to those who do reproduce. I guess there is the problem of what to do with straight people who dont reproduce, but we can ignore that problem.

Or we can just grant people the right to marry another individual of any sex, or at the very least do away with a civil "marriage" and rename all civil unions just that civil unions. Religions can marry all they want whoever they want, but the only kind of union the state recognizes is the civil union between two consenting adults, wow, I am brilliant. Glad I can overshadow this keen insight with a bad catholic and abortion joke.

My brush with fame

2008-11-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

I was traveling across the country recently and since I was on US Airways I was both late and required to go through Charlotte. As I was walking from terminal A to B past the piano player in the concourse I saw a man in the distance. A man we all have seen naked even if we don't admit to it.
The Hedgehog, Ron Jeremy, my jewish brother, was walking my way. We stopped under the monitors. I said hello, he said hi, I wished him a happy new year (rosh hashona), he responded in kind. We smiled a knowing smile. By this time there was a large crowd staring at us. The girls trying to deny they knew who he was to their boyfriends and husbands. Well, the real ending to the story is we smiled at each other once more and both went on our ways.

The ending I like to believe could have happened if I had been just a bit more aggressive is he asked me if I had considered a career in adult films and I had to decline because I valued my marriage too much.
The other ending that would have worked is if he farted really loudly at just that moment. Alas, we just had a pleasant jew to jew minute conversation, I'll do better next time.

only in vegas

2008-11-14T12:55:00.001-08:00

This honestly happened. I was in Vegas this past weekend (first time I have ever been since july). I won a large hand off a lady at imperial palace. As she pushed her chips into the middle she offered me a view of her breasts in lieu of the chips. She was 70.

Advice to McCain

2008-11-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

With voting starting in 12 hours or so I have some advice for the great Senator from Arizona. McCain is a maverick and a gambler; what he needs to do is have President Bush and Vice President Cheney come out and endorse Obama tonight during the football game and on all of the morning "news" programs.

It is the only way to save our country from a president who is half terrorist and half socialist.

Oktoberfest

2008-10-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

Fun Game: Are these two pictures related? And How?

Go Rays

2008-10-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

3-1. Hopefully tonight the Rays will make it to the World Series. I am guessing though that the Sox come back and make us Tampa fans remember we are fants of a team from Tampa.

I found this pic online www.teamsiliconvalley.org. I hope that link gives your computer viruses.

Asian Wedding

2008-10-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

I went to a very nice wedding. The Ritz, Half Moon Bay, sunset, beautiful. Lots of asians though, well, better description, few nonasians. There were two nonasian tables with 300+ people in attendance. One was the white table the other the black, no kidding, I could make that up, but I am not.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, I assume. One of the white guys was emceeing the reception. I tried to get him to make a comment about be careful when you are driving home, 280 asians leaving the same place at the same time. That, or say something like, wow, I cant believe how many of you are taking pictures. You know they paid professionals for that. He refused to make either of these comments.

I was alone at the wedding, wife couldnt make it. I was sitting next to a guy, so I had to make it clear to everyone else at the table that we werent there together.

The parents gave lovely speeches, in Asian so I have very little idea what they said. The speeches and dinner though took forever. They didnt cut the cake by the time I had to leave. The wedding started at 430, THEY WERE STILL TALKING AT 9. I had to leave to go meet some friends by 8, so that worked out well when I pulled up at 10.

So, I drove about 4 hours yesterday to go to a wedding, never got dessert, heard asian talk and didnt get to make fun of them for being asian.

Still a great time and the couple was so nice to let me come.

Palin

2008-10-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

2 Supreme Court opinions, why the hell would the governor of Alaska know federal cases? She needs to know the opinions of Alaska to govern her state. Maybe to be qualified to be President she should know the rules the court has created to define her role as president (the pain of writing HER role as president is huge.) But I became a ConLaw scholar in one semester and I am sure she can pick it up in far less time then that.

Look, the only qualification that matters is that Palin has boobs. All this talk that Obama wants to F Palin is ridiculous, Palin isnt fat, what black man wants a skinny cougar?

Fine, she is forcing me to consider voting for a democrat who will raise my taxes and put my country's safety at risk. Thanks Jonny McCain for ruining my excitement for you. Arent there other women who he could have chosen, I mean I have man love for Condi Rice.

Nothing funny in this post, so nothing out of the normal.

I will throw in something racist, Asians cant drive, not racist, but true.

Becoming a Man

2008-09-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

So, Jews are weird. When a boy turns 13 he becomes a man. There is a service and a celebration for the little brat becoming a full fledged jew member. (just to be clear, jewish "men" at 13 are thus allowed to take credit for you know what)

I had the "pleasure" of going to one of these in DC last weekend. I joined the celebration of my wife's cousins rite of passage.

I wont delve into the finer jew points of the ceremony or the blatant violations these reform jews (or as I call them, protestants) committed. I would rather concentrate on the young tyke himself.

The kid is 12 (supposed to be 13 to have the BM (violation of my faith #1). So, I shouldnt be too judgmental. He has had it tough in some ways, having jewish mother or jewish mothers is hard on anyone.

Still, the kid is annoying. I dont think it is normal for the adults to stand in the back during the ceremony and trash the kid. The kid hugs too much, talks too much, is too cocky, too emotional, just too jewy older woman, but actually a 12 yr old boy. Not sure how I would not have been a complete jerk to the entire fam without the help of mr adams light and sir 7 and 7.

The weekend pushed back the birth of garyetta at least 12 years.

Keep It Real

2008-08-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

I didnt know people still said they kept things real. Well, to ruin the rest of the blog, all black men do.

To be fair, I only have talked to one black man in the last 10 months.

He came with his girlfriend to a birthday bowling extravaganza (the girlfriend is black, I am not a racist, when it comes to blacks).

I had never met the boyfriend so I tried to talk him up and help him be more comfortable. We tried talking, but his face and ability to communicate reminded me of a pigeon that has been shot by a BB gun then ran over by a tractor and urinated on by a burro.

We finally found something to talk about. I brought up his shirt. His shirt is a mix of FUBU, MMA and Tommy Hilfiger.

I was wondering where one could find a black man's shirt that had stick figurish people doing jujitsu all over a white canvas with a collar? He started out by snickering at the humorous way I noticed he was wearing this shirt. (I said, interesting shirt).

The he said, well, ya'know, i's got to keep it real, so i go to generic black store, you know how I keep it real. I suggested yes, you are the keeper of the real. I asked if he wanted to take my turn bowling, he laughed and muttered more about keeping it real. I then invited him to go swimming and then I quickly moved over to the lane and threw my 7 /.

I failed at keeping it real since my actual Bday is Friday.

Imperial

2008-07-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

I stayed in the penthouse suite at the imperial palace this past weekend. The nicest room in the worst hotel on the strip.

You walk out of the 112 degree Vegas weather and are struck by the overwhelming sensation that you may still be outside except for the decrease in visibility. Imperial Palace (IP) seems to not want to invest in air conditioning. There is a stink in the air of cigarette smoke embedded in every surface, including your shirt after stepping beyond the first set of slot machines.

When you check into the hotel you get angry bitter asian or african women giving you your keys and hinting at how difficult it is going to be for you to find your room. That's when the fun begins.

So, that's where this entry ends.

Advice for Bar Takers

2008-07-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

First off, I am completely ripping the idea for this blog off of the Fool.

The Bar is approaching for wanna be lawyers. People are beginning to stress out and lose connection with the reality of what awaits them next week.

This is what I would do with my last few days before the test:

1) Play some golf - you have to do something for 4 hours straight that is going to both stress you out and relax you. The bar is a test of stamina. The actual information covered is the bare bones of the law; you dont have to understand the why of anything only remember 60% of the what.

2) Assess the lawyers in your state - do a quick google search of attorneys who practice in your state. You will notice a large number of dumbasses. Look at how they look and the things that are written on their websites and blogs and realize, wow, the legal profession is populated with functional retarded overeducated childs of fortune. If these morons can pass the test, so you can.

Of course, you could look at it the other way, people far smarter then you have failed the test so really it is up to luck and you can do nothing about how it will turn out except relax, study a bit and try to undermine the people around you at the test.

3) Undermine the confidence of those closest to you - look you need to practice for this test. You cant overtly tell those around you they are going to fail, but you need to communicate that you know more then them and that there pursuit of bar accreditation is a lost cause. Try it with your girlfriend, you cant tell her she is fatter and hairier then you, but you have to find a way to let her know without stating it or having her blame you for her realizing this. Also, find a new girlfriend.

4) Practice outlining for essays - writing dozens of essays before entering the test is a waste of time, but you should outline the answers and know how you are going to attack essays from all the different multi-state topics.

5) Do as many sample multiple choices as you can. Aim for 80% accuracy and realize the questions are harder on the actual test and you are going to hope to get 70% right to secure passing the test without having to even worry about your state's independent section of the test.

6) Know how to get to the test - dont be late for the test, seriously, that would suck.

7) Set your poop schedule - you have to set up your daily poop schedule so that your dump is not coming during the actual test. If you are not regular like this, eat more fiber.

Good luck, remember the worst thing that can happen is you fail and have to take the test again. That result isnt too bad, at least you dont have to practice law for 6 more months.

solo practicioner

2008-07-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

I went to a Oakland A's game last night and sat in a luxury box, that's how I roll. That sounds so much better then it was. The outfield seats across the bay at the Giants Stadium are nicer then the dingy hole they have drilled out near the upper level seating.

That's not the point.

I went for a birthday party and brought along this persian friend of mine, or as I call him, a terrorist.

He is a solo practicioner/terrorist. As he puts it, the economy is bad, so you have to do both.

Rays

2008-07-04T00:06:00.001-07:00

The Tampa Rays are 3 games ahead of the boston red sox and 8 games ahead of the Yanks.

Being from tampa, I am beyond excited. To put this in perspective, the Rays winning their division is like a black man winning the 100m free style or better yet an asian winning the daytona 500.

I guess it is likely the Rays will falter sometime before September, but why can't they make the playoffs? I mean other then young pitching that has never seen situations similar to these or batters who have never been forced to come through in a pennant race? At least their third baseman is banging Tony Parker.

(Seriously, Asian in the Daytona 500, that would be like asking for crashes. I would watch that)

biting of the tongue

2008-06-27T20:33:00.001-07:00

Being a young attorney practicing litigation is not the most aweful thing. Other then that sinking feeling that you are leaching off the rest of the world and add no value and do nothing to prove the worth of your existence, there is also the problem that older attorneys and judges want to make your life as difficult as possible.

This week I had a judge give me a lesson in law. I learned that I should come to hearings completely prepared. Of course. Thanks. Who knew that completely prepared meant knowing what weekends in 2009 my boss would be available when the case by local rules is required to be heard by october 08. Obviously I should have known that rules are gay.

I am really smart, but really stupid.

Dancing Badly Across the World

2008-06-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, some of the 3 readers of this blog may have already seen this link,

Not porn

It is oddly enjoyable and makes me want to leave my office, get on a plane, go see another culture, mock that culture, then go to another country and repeat.

Asian Drivers

2008-06-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

So, I took the deposition of an asian woman about a car accident.

Just take a moment and soak that in.

I wanted to show that the asian lady was a bad driver, how could I possible have done that?

Pretty: Are you a woman?
Asian: Yes

Pretty: For the record, do your eyes slant?
Asian: Yes

Pretty: We're done here

public transportation

2008-06-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

I am taking the BART to and from work now. I refuse to sit next to any Asian on the train. I also refuse to be near the queers. So basically, I stand in the corner shaking and farting.

Actually, when I was in New York on the subway, I stood right in front of a really hot girl and when she hid her cleavage I turned around and started talking to the friends I was with. A minute after turning around I let out a classic gift with my booty right in front of the girl's nose. She didn't move, I wanted to turn around and get a look at her face, but I thought it would be too obvious. As we got off at the next stop, I finally saw her still gasping for some fresh air.

Tiger Tiger Woods

2008-06-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Anyone who watched the end of the 4th round of the US Open had to just love it. Tiger makes me want to be half black/half asian/quarter cherokee/third jewish.

Post round, tiger, with a smile, says, ya, i took some pain killers to deal with that knee pain. Dude was hopped up on vicodin and still sank that sick putt.

In response to fool's post, I am really looking forward to alt tabbing between work and si.com.

With Child (not my wife, phew)

2008-06-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is pregnant. Her husband, a superior human being, is the father. It is a wonderful thing and the couple are two of my favorite people so the odds are high the kid will be great except for the fact that he will be a jew.

The couple had about 20 friends and family over for a poker tournament. They announced the pregnancy after everyone arrived 30 minutes after we got there. As soon as we got to bumblefuck jew jersey. I thought, crap, my friend's getting pudgy. The worry is she will become like her sister in law, I am really glad I didn't grab her, pick her up in a bear hug and throw her around; that or punch her in the stomach like I am keen to do.

Just as a note, the sister in law makes me look anorexic.

As another note, the sister in law reacted as you would expect, sat in a corner and sulked that people were paying attention to someone else and that she had to wait before she could eat another slice of cake.

J O B

2008-05-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

It turns out that I cant remain unemployed forever, so going back to work has me thinking, what's the worst part about the job.

I am an attorney ("pretty lawyer" give it away?). The worst part of being an attorney is looking in the mirror and realizing how huge a leach I am on society.

The worst part of working at 7/11? Being Indian.

Worst part of being a doctor or nurse? I have heard at least, sometimes when an obese woman comes into the hospital for some obgyn action, a team has to amass around the beached whale. Each leg requires two people to hold back the rippling fat so the doctor can go in the front and find and probe the dried up vagina. Sometimes the fat gets loose and the head gets stuck and th stirrups are of no use.

So, being a lawyer isnt that bad.

Is this offensive?

2008-05-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

Vegas Hookers

2008-05-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

I learned a few weeks ago where to find hookers while in Vegas. I assumed you could find them at every hotel and on every street corner, wrong. Circus Circus, if there are hookers there, they are old or clowns.

The best hotel for hookers on the strip is the Excalibur. Knights, Sponge Bob 4d, crappy poker room, thunder down under, and hookers.

So, if you know the lay out of the hotel, there are two towers with rooms. The pathway to the towers takes you from the middle of the casino past slot machines and a lounge. The hookers line the slot machines nearest the elevators to the entrance.

I lived at the Excalibur for an entire week. I had more then on run-in with the hookers. Being a guy without any friends with you in Vegas is basically like a magnet for hookers.

Since I am married and love the wife, I didnt pay for sex with a stranger. I didnt even accept free samples. But, I did learn alot about hookers and hooking.

I got into bargaining with, trying to get them to pay me for sex. I also started having conversations with some of the repeat sexual solicitors.

First I list the question, then the different answers I received.

1) How much do you charge?
- depends on how desperate I am for the money
- depends on how desperate he looks
- depends on if it looks like I will enjoy it
- 150, stop talking to me if you dont want to pay me for a good time

2) What brought you to Vegas?
- heard I could make alot of money here
- Want to strip for money, but cant get hired
- I like the weather
- I can make you forget where you are at, 150 dollars

3) You ever get in trouble with the law?
- ya, there are undercover cops all over the place
- ya, soliciting gets you thrown in jail for 12 hours then they release you.
- ya, so many vice cops all over these places, you arent one are you?
- why are you asking me, fine, 100 for whatever hole you want

4) What's the biggest problem you have with hooking here?
- the cops
- too many girls will give it up for free
- I have to whore myself out even more then other places just to compete with the tourist girls
- Seriously, last offer, 50 bucks and I'll let you pee on me afterwards

articles from college

2008-02-01T12:31:00.001-08:00

I just found some stupid editorial I wrote for the sport's section of my undergrad's newspaper has been linked to by some random blog. The internet is out of control. I want money from that guy or at least a sexual favor.

more hookers

2008-01-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

I have been to vegas a good number of times and have gone with friends the vast majority of those times. Maybe it is just the crowd I go wtih, but none of my friends or I had ever brought a girl back to one of our hotel rooms in Vegas. Some of my friends are ugly and anti-social others were just either in relationships or too busy gambling (degenerates).

This time, one of the guys sexiled another. We got wind of the situation when the sexiled guy showed up at the bar and informed us of why he was not asleep as we had been led to believe was his plan (what a girl). The first question of course was, did he pay for the girl or not? I assumed yes.

The sexiled one described the girl as an attractive blond who was wearing a jean jacket over a corset. I tried to get a pool going, but of course there was the problem of how likely were we to get the honest answer.

Unfortunately I never got any bets on the matter and the guy showed up with corset blond in tow. Someone other then me asked if she was a hooker and she said no, so mystery solved.

hookers

2008-01-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

It was late Saturday night and I was walking alone from Mandalay Bay to the MGM. I had to pass through excalibur on my way to the footbridge over las vegas blvd to my destination. On my way out of the excalibur a 5'4 blonde woman showing slight cleavage looked at me and smiled. She asked me if I was looking for some company. I said no thank you, but I appreciated the offer, she touched my shoulder and said it was ok as I walked away.

Was that a hooker?

I mean she was dressed more conservatively then some of the girls I had seen wandering around mandalay. Either way, you can make sure the wife knows, the only temptation I had was to find out whether or not she was a hooker or just thought I was pretty.

Territories

2008-01-14T17:07:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend the wife and I went to see a play in the city (city = SF until I move back east then NY). It was a show about the sister of the arab guy who fought the crusaders back when the french didnt give in to all their demands (or as my liberal law school would put it during the crusades). She purposefully got captured by some evil french man then seduced him with her crippled self (she has shaking attacks sort of like pickachu right before he shoots lightning out his ass).

So, the play is obviously a commentary on our role in the middle east and the way history overlooks women and the role they played in having sex with men who made a difference in history.

Synopsis, we shouldnt be in the middle east because eventually the one true lord of the muslims and their teddy bear hating cartoon tearing selves will demand we leave and defeat us. Women had a role in history even if it was only making the men act by whoring around. I think this is unfair to women, women also made a difference in history if they gave birth to great leaders or spread disease.

The acting was quite good. The play was very short but entertaining. If you live in the bay area I would check it out if you can get cheap tickets or something. I mean an hour and 15 minutes of anything isnt worth 45 bucks a pop.

Ok, maybe a few things, but nothing involving muslims.

Why I hate being an attorney

2008-01-14T16:42:00.001-08:00

I had a trial about three months ago. The judge finally signed a judgment. I havent seen it yet, but opposing counsel tells me that somehow despite the judges stating to the alternative that he won the case and that we should pay his fees. It makes me rather angry not only because I feel like he is trying to take advantage of me as being green and ignorant, but also because he has been nailing his client.

I pointed out to him in email that if he continues to attempt to get his fees paid by our client that we have the compelling, you only kept this case going so you could get middle aged iranian ass defense.

Black Monday is Coming

2008-01-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

It has become a yearly tradition to descend on Vegas with a dozen friends or so to celebrate the life and lessons of MLK. I will be attending black monday this year with guys from all over the country. At least once while we are there we will pause and consider how our lives would be different without the sacrafices and impact of MLK. That moment may come when someone hits a two outer on us or when the stripper asks for a tip, but that moment will come. The reminder for me that we are there in honor of the great man is when I look around at the faces of the guys with me, such diversity. Jews AND Asians and a few Wasps and maybe, possibly, an actual black person. He wont be with us, he will be playing the lottery.

minneapolis

2008-01-02T17:42:00.001-08:00

It is ass cold in minneapolis in late December and early January. The moment you land at the airport you see mounds of white; snow and people. Other then spending time with the wife's family there were two distinct highlights.

1) Wife almost dies
2) Famous places

1) For anyone who has never been in snow, sledding is when you go down a hill on top of an instrument that was made somewhere in asia. In this case, the sled was plastic and circular. The brother in law, wife and I were going down steep golf course hills on our plastic sleds. We started by getting away from the crowd going down the 18th fairway and instead went further back into the course. We first went down a short hill that ran into an open area and evened out. That was fun for a half hour until we heard word of a better, steeper, more funner hill.

We wandered across the course and lined up to go down the hill. Before the brother in law could head down the hill, we caught view of two teenagers making out at the bottom of our hill. We made some loud noises and scared away the kids. Then, brother in law slid down, as he neared the end of the hill he gained speed and got closer and closer to some brush. He bailed and tumbled onto the snow. I followed, as I neared the end of the hill I spread my legs out wide and slowed myself to a stop. A pile of snow that reached my navel was built up between my thighs. I could not feel some important parts of me as they were pretty much frozen to my leg. I didnt have the motivation to get up, so I stared out into space and then noticed a stream behind the brush that had not quite frozen.

The wife started heading down the hill. She went faster and faster. Her brother screamed for her to bail, but like a woman, she did not listen. She got closer and closer to the brush and the stream. Then, brother in law lunged out of his sled, and tackled the wife out from her sled. The sled flung into the brush and the wife lay shocked in the snow.

2) I made a trip to the new gay mecca. I am not gay, I may live in the bay area, be extremely good looking, and have incredible fashion sense, but I only like black cock, I mean I dont like men.

As we made it through airport security I turned left and headed to the nearest bathroom. As I strolled passed the aisle of sinks and urinals I saw a middle aged balding jewish man taking pictures. A Jew dude in his yamulke and nose was taking pictures of a bathroom stall. We exchanged knowing glances. I walked into the stall 4 from the left. I looked on the wall for some scrawling, some nail mark, something to tell me that this was the very spot Sen. Craig tried to have elicit gay sex. I found nothing. I tapped my foot a few times, reached up under the stall to the person next to me, still, nothing. I sat up, peed on the seat, opened the door and went back to my wife.

Deposition

2007-12-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

I took the deposition today of a 45 year old recovering drug addict millionaire. As a friend pointed out, she is like a white trash version of will smith in pursuit of Happyness. I never saw the movie, I dont watch anything that far fetched, I mean, seriously, someone who looks like will smith could have shelter through any number of sexual acts (and he is black, but I am not racist).

The deposition started off well. The lady couldnt remember when she got married or how old her kids were. She did remember that she was a convicted felon who lika da opiates. Depositions are fun because you get to lead the person down a path with innocent sounding questsions that eventually corner her into an answer she does not want to give.

The other fun part is figuring the nicest way to ask very obnoxious questions. I know some attorneys dont bother with this, they just bluntly ask questions and dont worry what the individual thinks, but I figure if I am going to be talking to this lady all day, I should save my Indianness until the end of the day or if she avoids too many of my questions.

So, this one worked out well, I got all the relevant information that makes our case a slam dunk. Now I hand the case over to my boss who will find a way to lose it.

The opposing attorney amazed me today. It is like he doesnt understand that their whole case is barred by a statute of limitations. He allowed his client to answer, ya, there was no written contract and I waited 4 years to file this lawsuit without at least trying to object or coach her away from ruining her case seems like something I would do, not something an attorney who has been around for 35 years would do.

Oh well, back to slacking off at work and making fun of indians.

Asian Roommate

2007-11-30T14:42:00.000-08:00

I blame my asian roommate for my car being broken into last night. Three cars were parked outside our home and two of them had their windows smashed in. The asian with her Acura did not get broken into. Using my logic, I think the asian broke into my car. Maybe it was because I called her a bad driver or blamed her when the Wii controllers stopped working, whatever it was, vandalizing my car was uncalled for.

So, it probably wasnt her, but whoever it was decided that they wnated only the GPS and nothing else. Nice sunglasses, still sitting on the seat. Title to my car, still in the glove compartment. ATM Card still by the ciggarette lighter.

another group to hate

2007-11-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

I have learned something about myself. My racism or any other -isms comes from being surrouded by certain races or orientations.

I had all gay roommates in college, I hate gays. I lived in DC, I hate black people. I live in San Fran, cant stand the asians, I went ot school with jews, anger to the yids, soon when I move back to florida, no me gusta el hispanicos.

There is on story, this just sort of corresponds to my last post, go back to bangalore.

dumb vegas story

2007-11-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

I was in vegas two weekends ago and now I hate indians. It follows. Dot not feather, feather can dance and bring me rain, dot can go to hell.

crap, people may start reading this again

2007-10-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Now that I am finally relinked to thinking fool's blog the likelihood of readership has infinitely gone up. Now, some indian wont be the only one periodically reading it and making fun of me for being a jew. Ya, move back to Bangalore or to Oregon or something already, HATE.

The next two weekends promise to be fun and exciting. Tomorrow night we will be carving pumpkins while drinking; what could go wrong?

The weekend after that: VEGAS BABY! Sad, when I go to vegas the excitement is confined to the poker room and the sportsbook. I have heard they have clubs there and sunshine, but I have been to vegas half a dozen times and never seen either.

I am an athlete

2007-10-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

I am an athlete. My Corporate league team where I play the vital role as last player off the bench, won our second game in a row last night. We outlasted a team of asians; I think Phillipinos, the mexicans of aisa, by two points.

What I lack in skill I make up for with my inadequate athleticism.

In this game, their best shooter met his match. He was an overweight phillimexican with awkward facial hair. He rarely moved from his position behind the three point arc. We play similar games, except that my facial hair looks sexy.

DJ Hazard

2007-10-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

DJ Hazard is one of my favorite comedians. I saw him a number of times in Boston and then at the Borgata over spring break not too long ago. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=77027341. At the Borgata he got a crowd of retiree aged people to join him in a chorus of "untie my ankles in the morning."

He has a bit that I have sort of adopted as a part of my every day interaction with strangers.

A stranger walks up to you and asks for directions, you eagerly give them wrong directions and if they dont thank you, you let them go on their way, but if they thank you, then you stop them and say, yes, you have passed the test, here is the correct way to complete your journey.

So, now, when someone asks me for directions, where the bank is, where the bathroom is, why the line is long, why is he peeing on me, whever anyone asks a question that is not a requirement for me to answer, I just lie or tell them I dont work here.

This of course doesnt work out so well in dealing with clients, but they tenderly point out that, yes, you do work here and yes you shouldnt lie to us or yes we will report you to the bar association.

First Trial

2007-10-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

I had my first solo trial last week. I won, sort of, so that's good. That's not the point though. I found out the morning of the trial that opposing counsel was sleeping with his client.

Let me paint that picture for you; attorney, early 50s, 5'9, balding with remaining white hair, glasses, face apt to turn red. The client is not an ugly woman, but she is a roundish early 40s female with three kids she has yet to recover from, the oldest of which is 20.

I had a dilemma, do I confront the other attorney? Do I bring it up to the judge? Is it relevant? In this state you are allowed to sleep with your clients as long as it does not effect how you represnt them, do I point out to the judge the effect the representation had from his interest in the client?

I was cross-examining the woman. I showed her a picture of her house and three cars. Two of which were hers, the third was the attorney's, I feigned not being aware of this fact.

Attorney: Whose Green SUV is that?
Witness: Opposing's.
Attorney: How often is Opposing's car parked in your driveway?
Witness: Two or three times a week.
Attorney: Is Opposing a renter?
Witness: No, Opposingis Mr. Counsel.

Judge: Wait, who is Mr. Opposing Counsel?

Witness: Mr. Opposing Counsel, Opposing, you know, him, the guy sitting there with the glasses.

Judge glares at opposing counsel, I stay quiet for a good minute.

Attorney: Mr. Opposing counsel, this guy right here, parks there two or three times a week?
Witeness: Yes.

I wish I had gone on and asked, so what, you have him stay at your house two or three times a week? what for? Arent you worried about keeping your kids up? I mean, your daughter, she's 16, sort of hot, I mean in a jail bait kind of way, dont you worry? I mean he is an attorney, sort of a leach on society, I mean if he is sleeping with one of his clients, why not bang the daughter to? Of course, I didnt, I am an ethical individual.

Then I moved on to another topic; it was fun to at least embarrass opposing counsel a litlte bit. I mean, seriously, if you are using the fact that you represent someone to get some loving, you probably should just give up. I probably should have continued to harp on it and then ask the judge to not allow opposing counsel to continue his representation, but it is really not smart to piss off attorneys whose father's are judges and who have been practicing for 30 years on a case that deals with such a small outcome for the client.

Jew Days

2007-09-19T17:25:00.001-07:00

Sorry if I offended or upset you in the last year. It was your fault, but I still feel bad. Please do not hesitate to let me know what I have done this year to offend, upset or dissappoint, unless of course you are asian.

Free the Juice

2007-09-18T13:53:00.001-07:00

What aweful luck OJ has. First, he gets accused of a double homicide, goes through a lengthy trial that destroys his reputation and costs him a good deal of money only to be found innocent. Then, a jury that obviously knew nothing about the fit of isotoners made him pay 30 something more million dollars to a man's family who he clearly did not kill since a court of law did not find him guilty of killing anyone.

Then he fails in his quest to find the killers of his ex-wife and the guy whose family he now owes millions of dollars too. Every golf course, casino and strip club in the country was searched and still nothing.

Now, he is going to jail for a robbery of sports memorabilia in a vegas hotel room, that obviously he had no part in. Evidence of audio of him threatening individuals with weapons and a posse is as useful as DNA evidence on a red dyed glove.

He has to be the most unlucky man ever.

Lessons from a Senator

2007-08-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

Senator Larry Craig is in a bit of trouble these days. He attempted to get some lovin' in a minneapolis airport bathroom stall. The partner he wanted to tango with happened to be an officer on a sting. Hilarity has ensued.

People are caught up in the notion that there is a problem with his anti-gay stance but very gay wants. As we thought when we were 14 and everyone thought being gay was awful, whoever was loudest about hating the gays usually was the gay.

The real benefit of this story is what we have learned about soliciting sex in a bathroom stall. CNN reported that "the officer says that he was in a stall adjacent to Senator Craig's stall, Senator Craig made some tapping gestures with his foot, and then rammed his hand under the bottom of the stall." CNN went on to explain that this is how you get the attention of your lewd sex partner.

Now, I have to think back to every time I have been in a public restroom and just thought the person next to me was anxious and wanted some more toilet paper.

I also wonder if when you are soliciting lewd conduct in a public restroom whether or not it is bad form to actually take a poop and if you do take the poop how do you communicate that, yes, you want lewd gay sex, but you need your partner to wait a few moments while you wipe yourself.

Bar Exam Part 2

2007-08-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

I had the wonderful opportunity a month ago to take my second bar exam. I have decided to turn this into an annual thing and will be taking a third state's bar exam in '08 unless of course I failed Florida and then I will be returning to the greater Tampa Bay area and retaking that test.

The second time around was alot less nerve racking then the first. I hoped that I could make the first time experience for the people sitting near me in the bar exam and waiting in line around me far more interesting. I figured I wasnt well enough prepared to guaranty passing so I might as well try to bring others down to my level.

When I took the cali bar I had a nice older gentleman who was already practicing in Oregon tell me not to worry that there were alot of dumbasses in the room and that since I had found my seat on my own and dressed myself with very few flaws that I was very likely going to pass. It is a test of minimum competency, getting the top grade means you studied too much. His advice was helpful, that and studying for 4 weeks straight probably were the reasons I passed.

My advice to the first timers near me in Tampa was similar in that it came from a human's mouth. The guy in front of me in line was sweating profusely. I asked him why he was nervous, he tried to play it off that it was hot, I pointed out that I am not a physical specimen and am a jew so therefore I sweat pretty much at the first sign of humidity, movement or spicy food. I told him that in the state he was in he had no chance of passing. That people far smarter then him had failed the test and really he should consider another career field. Unfortunately the guy in front of him overheard my comments laughed and then corrected me, hatred. The guy in front of him was a dwarfish jewish man and filled me with hate, I hope he failed miserably. I dont care how the sweaty kid did, if the bar screws with him that much I dont know what chance he would have in a courtroom.

The man sitting next to me in the exam was a kind man in his early 30s taking his second bar exam as well. I tried to convince him the first essay was on professional responsibility but he didnt bite. So, I found a kid who used to go to my high school wandering the convention center and convinced him the property law question really dealt with easements and not conveyances. Since, allegedly I practice this type of law for money he had no choice but to believe me and to start to sob. I enjoyed his tears since I never really knew him 10 years ago and figured he must have been a stuckup brat like most the people at my private institution. His family makes cigars, cigars cause cancer, cancer causes death, he kills babies.

So, I hope the babykiller failed. I hope I passed.

Anyhow, I hope I passed the Florida Bar since I missed out on some fun trips and nights out to study for it; not counting the billable hours I missed accruing. It will be worth it in the end if I can reach the status of my mentor and be licensed in california and a second state but yet have no intention of ever practicing in the second state. That fool really is a hero to all of us.

Politics to a 10 Year Old

2007-05-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

I rarely have the opportunity to spend quality time with 10 year olds, no, I am not on a sexual predator list. My path just does not normally cross with the kiddies.

Recently, I had the opportunity to have a heart to heart with a lovely 10 year old girl, I am sure she told me her name, but it didnt matter to me, so let's call her Emily. somehow, Emily and I got to talking about politics, dont worry, there were other adults, or at least people in their 20's present.

Emily: My parents are voting for Hillary.
Pretty: Why's that?
Emily: We're democrats, I love Hillary.
Pretty: You know Hillary hates ice cream.
Emily: no way.
Pretty: It's true, she wants to outlaw icecream for children.
Emily: That's terrible, I hate her.
Pretty: Giuliani loves ice cream. Giuliani wants to give it to every little girl named Emily.
Emily: I love Julie Anni. I'm voting for her.
Pretty: You're 10, you cant vote.
Emily: Oh no! I hope I dont lose ice cream.

Emily went on to creatively curse Hillary, sort of like a hateful muppet, I think she threatened some sort of violence at one point, these kids today are aweful. I should help with Julie's campaign.

Vegas Lawyering

2007-05-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am heading to vegas for work next week. Is it unprofessional to stay up the entire night before giving a deposition to play poker? If not, should I play downtown in some tournaments or just take up residence at one of the rooms on the strip? Life is full of difficult decisions. I guess I should work in prepping for the depo at some point in the trip. Re-raise.

jewy wedding

2007-05-22T09:56:00.001-07:00

I went to a lovely wedding over the past weekend. I am a big fan of the groom and think the bride will provide him with beautiful male children.

The problem with the wedding is that I did not have the opportunity to approve the guest list. I had not seen some of these people since high school. I know since high school I have matured and gotten fatter. I know that I am very little like the kid who couldnt wait to leave the preppy prison I had endured. So, my assumption was that these people had also evolved.

After a dinner friday night, a few of us took the groom to be to a fancy desesrt place, ordered some nice wine and hung out.

One of the guys who I had disliked since I was 12 joined us.

Groom's brother: always funny to kill a kitten
pretty: the microwave is great for that.
groom's friend: you could do the same with a dog.
pretty: you are heartless, how could you kill a dog?
ass: did you hear about the guy who microwaved his baby.
pretty: are you making a joke?
ass: no, this really happened, I saw it on the news.
pretty: (dumbfounded look) what's wrong with you?

later on.

groom's friend: So, ass, what do you do?
ass: I supervise RA's
pretty: so you are still in college?
ass: no, I live in the dorm and help with life in the dorms.
pretty: oh, that's cool, so you get to take advantage of the freshman girls and boys.
ass: no, I would get fired if I tried anything with the freshman girls.
pretty: or boys
groom's brother: they're over 18, cmon ass, dont shy away from the only way you are going to get some.
ass: I like my job, it isnt worth it for some little girl.
pretty: or boy.
ass: anyways, I am dating a lovely girl
pretty: or boy
groom's brother: ya, she seemed nice
pretty: she seemed like she ate a nice girl.
ass: cmon, thats mean, I am not good looking and I really cant do much better.
pretty: ya, I can see that. you really cant get a girl.
groom: or boy.

first blog

2007-05-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

As a young and dashingly handsome attorney I have run into a common theme when confronting older, more experienced, less attractive attorneys. That theme is, they have been practicing law a good deal longer. This is relevant because they therefore know alot more then I do. They really enjoy pointing this fact out during any conversation you have with them.

A normal conversation with these attorneys goes something like this:

me "your client has violated the contract, specific performance is required in this case involving real property." (I sound very intelligent and use big lawyer words like "case")

old attorney "No, read what is written, (reads back a portion of the contract)"

me "Exactly, there is a contract and your client violated it."

old attorney "dont interrupt me, I have been working in this field for over 30 years and I would not take this case if I were you."

me "I appreciate your advice, but your client is in the wrong, we should mediate to save our clients money and time"

old attorney "fine, we can mediate, but now that you mention it, my client had a reason to withdraw from the contract. I did not mention this before because I have 30 years of experience."

Today the judge got into the act and told the opposing attorney how good he was and how honest he was just as the attorney was mischaracterizing a conversation I had had with him.

Luckily for me I can always fall back on my looks.