Becoming a Man

So, Jews are weird. When a boy turns 13 he becomes a man. There is a service and a celebration for the little brat becoming a full fledged jew member. (just to be clear, jewish "men" at 13 are thus allowed to take credit for you know what)

I had the "pleasure" of going to one of these in DC last weekend. I joined the celebration of my wife's cousins rite of passage.

I wont delve into the finer jew points of the ceremony or the blatant violations these reform jews (or as I call them, protestants) committed. I would rather concentrate on the young tyke himself.

The kid is 12 (supposed to be 13 to have the BM (violation of my faith #1). So, I shouldnt be too judgmental. He has had it tough in some ways, having jewish mother or jewish mothers is hard on anyone.

Still, the kid is annoying. I dont think it is normal for the adults to stand in the back during the ceremony and trash the kid. The kid hugs too much, talks too much, is too cocky, too emotional, just too jewy older woman, but actually a 12 yr old boy. Not sure how I would not have been a complete jerk to the entire fam without the help of mr adams light and sir 7 and 7.


The weekend pushed back the birth of garyetta at least 12 years.

Keep It Real

I didnt know people still said they kept things real. Well, to ruin the rest of the blog, all black men do.

To be fair, I only have talked to one black man in the last 10 months.

He came with his girlfriend to a birthday bowling extravaganza (the girlfriend is black, I am not a racist, when it comes to blacks).

I had never met the boyfriend so I tried to talk him up and help him be more comfortable. We tried talking, but his face and ability to communicate reminded me of a pigeon that has been shot by a BB gun then ran over by a tractor and urinated on by a burro.

We finally found something to talk about. I brought up his shirt. His shirt is a mix of FUBU, MMA and Tommy Hilfiger.

I was wondering where one could find a black man's shirt that had stick figurish people doing jujitsu all over a white canvas with a collar? He started out by snickering at the humorous way I noticed he was wearing this shirt. (I said, interesting shirt).

The he said, well, ya'know, i's got to keep it real, so i go to generic black store, you know how I keep it real. I suggested yes, you are the keeper of the real. I asked if he wanted to take my turn bowling, he laughed and muttered more about keeping it real. I then invited him to go swimming and then I quickly moved over to the lane and threw my 7 /.

I failed at keeping it real since my actual Bday is Friday.

Imperial

I stayed in the penthouse suite at the imperial palace this past weekend. The nicest room in the worst hotel on the strip.

You walk out of the 112 degree Vegas weather and are struck by the overwhelming sensation that you may still be outside except for the decrease in visibility. Imperial Palace (IP) seems to not want to invest in air conditioning. There is a stink in the air of cigarette smoke embedded in every surface, including your shirt after stepping beyond the first set of slot machines.

When you check into the hotel you get angry bitter asian or african women giving you your keys and hinting at how difficult it is going to be for you to find your room. That's when the fun begins.

So, that's where this entry ends.

Advice for Bar Takers

First off, I am completely ripping the idea for this blog off of the Fool.

The Bar is approaching for wanna be lawyers. People are beginning to stress out and lose connection with the reality of what awaits them next week.

This is what I would do with my last few days before the test:

1) Play some golf - you have to do something for 4 hours straight that is going to both stress you out and relax you. The bar is a test of stamina. The actual information covered is the bare bones of the law; you dont have to understand the why of anything only remember 60% of the what.

2) Assess the lawyers in your state - do a quick google search of attorneys who practice in your state. You will notice a large number of dumbasses. Look at how they look and the things that are written on their websites and blogs and realize, wow, the legal profession is populated with functional retarded overeducated childs of fortune. If these morons can pass the test, so you can.

Of course, you could look at it the other way, people far smarter then you have failed the test so really it is up to luck and you can do nothing about how it will turn out except relax, study a bit and try to undermine the people around you at the test.

3) Undermine the confidence of those closest to you - look you need to practice for this test. You cant overtly tell those around you they are going to fail, but you need to communicate that you know more then them and that there pursuit of bar accreditation is a lost cause. Try it with your girlfriend, you cant tell her she is fatter and hairier then you, but you have to find a way to let her know without stating it or having her blame you for her realizing this. Also, find a new girlfriend.

4) Practice outlining for essays - writing dozens of essays before entering the test is a waste of time, but you should outline the answers and know how you are going to attack essays from all the different multi-state topics.

5) Do as many sample multiple choices as you can. Aim for 80% accuracy and realize the questions are harder on the actual test and you are going to hope to get 70% right to secure passing the test without having to even worry about your state's independent section of the test.

6) Know how to get to the test - dont be late for the test, seriously, that would suck.

7) Set your poop schedule - you have to set up your daily poop schedule so that your dump is not coming during the actual test. If you are not regular like this, eat more fiber.

Good luck, remember the worst thing that can happen is you fail and have to take the test again. That result isnt too bad, at least you dont have to practice law for 6 more months.

solo practicioner

I went to a Oakland A's game last night and sat in a luxury box, that's how I roll. That sounds so much better then it was. The outfield seats across the bay at the Giants Stadium are nicer then the dingy hole they have drilled out near the upper level seating.

That's not the point.

I went for a birthday party and brought along this persian friend of mine, or as I call him, a terrorist.

He is a solo practicioner/terrorist. As he puts it, the economy is bad, so you have to do both.

Rays

The Tampa Rays are 3 games ahead of the boston red sox and 8 games ahead of the Yanks.

Being from tampa, I am beyond excited. To put this in perspective, the Rays winning their division is like a black man winning the 100m free style or better yet an asian winning the daytona 500.

I guess it is likely the Rays will falter sometime before September, but why can't they make the playoffs? I mean other then young pitching that has never seen situations similar to these or batters who have never been forced to come through in a pennant race? At least their third baseman is banging Tony Parker.

(Seriously, Asian in the Daytona 500, that would be like asking for crashes. I would watch that)

biting of the tongue

Being a young attorney practicing litigation is not the most aweful thing. Other then that sinking feeling that you are leaching off the rest of the world and add no value and do nothing to prove the worth of your existence, there is also the problem that older attorneys and judges want to make your life as difficult as possible.

This week I had a judge give me a lesson in law. I learned that I should come to hearings completely prepared. Of course. Thanks. Who knew that completely prepared meant knowing what weekends in 2009 my boss would be available when the case by local rules is required to be heard by october 08. Obviously I should have known that rules are gay.

I am really smart, but really stupid.