Prop 8

As a straight man I feel my opinion on gay marriage is as relevant as my opinion on a woman's right to choose, hunter's right to hunt or priest's right to touch. (for the record yes, yes, yes, no)

Anyways, my opinion on gay marriage makes no difference and should be as much part of the debate as paris hilton's view on anything but green lit porn with raccoon eyes.

Still, I do not get it. How can we not take the opportunity to tax the shit out of those section of the population. The gays as anatomy has taught us, can not reproduce without the help of science. Most of the gays therefore do not waste their money on things like diapers, college, abortions or therapy for the touching. They have nicer houses, nicer cars, better clothes and can afford to eat only organic foie gras or whatever they may want. The reasons gays are into such weird shit is that they can afford the nicest leather pants and the therapy it takes to get over whatever caused boy george.

We should let these people marry so we have a way of tracking who they are and levying a nonkids tax on anyone who marries someone of the same sex. Gays gets bumped up to a higher bracket unless they adopt or do whatever else those people do to get kids. redistribute the wealth from those smart enough not to have kids to those who do reproduce. I guess there is the problem of what to do with straight people who dont reproduce, but we can ignore that problem.

Or we can just grant people the right to marry another individual of any sex, or at the very least do away with a civil "marriage" and rename all civil unions just that civil unions. Religions can marry all they want whoever they want, but the only kind of union the state recognizes is the civil union between two consenting adults, wow, I am brilliant. Glad I can overshadow this keen insight with a bad catholic and abortion joke.

My brush with fame

I was traveling across the country recently and since I was on US Airways I was both late and required to go through Charlotte. As I was walking from terminal A to B past the piano player in the concourse I saw a man in the distance. A man we all have seen naked even if we don't admit to it.
The Hedgehog, Ron Jeremy, my jewish brother, was walking my way. We stopped under the monitors. I said hello, he said hi, I wished him a happy new year (rosh hashona), he responded in kind. We smiled a knowing smile. By this time there was a large crowd staring at us. The girls trying to deny they knew who he was to their boyfriends and husbands. Well, the real ending to the story is we smiled at each other once more and both went on our ways.

The ending I like to believe could have happened if I had been just a bit more aggressive is he asked me if I had considered a career in adult films and I had to decline because I valued my marriage too much.
The other ending that would have worked is if he farted really loudly at just that moment. Alas, we just had a pleasant jew to jew minute conversation, I'll do better next time.

only in vegas

This honestly happened. I was in Vegas this past weekend (first time I have ever been since july). I won a large hand off a lady at imperial palace. As she pushed her chips into the middle she offered me a view of her breasts in lieu of the chips. She was 70.

Advice to McCain

With voting starting in 12 hours or so I have some advice for the great Senator from Arizona. McCain is a maverick and a gambler; what he needs to do is have President Bush and Vice President Cheney come out and endorse Obama tonight during the football game and on all of the morning "news" programs.

It is the only way to save our country from a president who is half terrorist and half socialist.

Oktoberfest

Fun Game: Are these two pictures related? And How?

Go Rays

3-1. Hopefully tonight the Rays will make it to the World Series. I am guessing though that the Sox come back and make us Tampa fans remember we are fants of a team from Tampa.

I found this pic online www.teamsiliconvalley.org. I hope that link gives your computer viruses.

Asian Wedding

I went to a very nice wedding. The Ritz, Half Moon Bay, sunset, beautiful. Lots of asians though, well, better description, few nonasians. There were two nonasian tables with 300+ people in attendance. One was the white table the other the black, no kidding, I could make that up, but I am not.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, I assume. One of the white guys was emceeing the reception. I tried to get him to make a comment about be careful when you are driving home, 280 asians leaving the same place at the same time. That, or say something like, wow, I cant believe how many of you are taking pictures. You know they paid professionals for that. He refused to make either of these comments.

I was alone at the wedding, wife couldnt make it. I was sitting next to a guy, so I had to make it clear to everyone else at the table that we werent there together.

The parents gave lovely speeches, in Asian so I have very little idea what they said. The speeches and dinner though took forever. They didnt cut the cake by the time I had to leave. The wedding started at 430, THEY WERE STILL TALKING AT 9. I had to leave to go meet some friends by 8, so that worked out well when I pulled up at 10.

So, I drove about 4 hours yesterday to go to a wedding, never got dessert, heard asian talk and didnt get to make fun of them for being asian.

Still a great time and the couple was so nice to let me come.

Palin

2 Supreme Court opinions, why the hell would the governor of Alaska know federal cases? She needs to know the opinions of Alaska to govern her state. Maybe to be qualified to be President she should know the rules the court has created to define her role as president (the pain of writing HER role as president is huge.) But I became a ConLaw scholar in one semester and I am sure she can pick it up in far less time then that.

Look, the only qualification that matters is that Palin has boobs. All this talk that Obama wants to F Palin is ridiculous, Palin isnt fat, what black man wants a skinny cougar?

Fine, she is forcing me to consider voting for a democrat who will raise my taxes and put my country's safety at risk. Thanks Jonny McCain for ruining my excitement for you. Arent there other women who he could have chosen, I mean I have man love for Condi Rice.

Nothing funny in this post, so nothing out of the normal.

I will throw in something racist, Asians cant drive, not racist, but true.

Becoming a Man

So, Jews are weird. When a boy turns 13 he becomes a man. There is a service and a celebration for the little brat becoming a full fledged jew member. (just to be clear, jewish "men" at 13 are thus allowed to take credit for you know what)

I had the "pleasure" of going to one of these in DC last weekend. I joined the celebration of my wife's cousins rite of passage.

I wont delve into the finer jew points of the ceremony or the blatant violations these reform jews (or as I call them, protestants) committed. I would rather concentrate on the young tyke himself.

The kid is 12 (supposed to be 13 to have the BM (violation of my faith #1). So, I shouldnt be too judgmental. He has had it tough in some ways, having jewish mother or jewish mothers is hard on anyone.

Still, the kid is annoying. I dont think it is normal for the adults to stand in the back during the ceremony and trash the kid. The kid hugs too much, talks too much, is too cocky, too emotional, just too jewy older woman, but actually a 12 yr old boy. Not sure how I would not have been a complete jerk to the entire fam without the help of mr adams light and sir 7 and 7.


The weekend pushed back the birth of garyetta at least 12 years.

Keep It Real

I didnt know people still said they kept things real. Well, to ruin the rest of the blog, all black men do.

To be fair, I only have talked to one black man in the last 10 months.

He came with his girlfriend to a birthday bowling extravaganza (the girlfriend is black, I am not a racist, when it comes to blacks).

I had never met the boyfriend so I tried to talk him up and help him be more comfortable. We tried talking, but his face and ability to communicate reminded me of a pigeon that has been shot by a BB gun then ran over by a tractor and urinated on by a burro.

We finally found something to talk about. I brought up his shirt. His shirt is a mix of FUBU, MMA and Tommy Hilfiger.

I was wondering where one could find a black man's shirt that had stick figurish people doing jujitsu all over a white canvas with a collar? He started out by snickering at the humorous way I noticed he was wearing this shirt. (I said, interesting shirt).

The he said, well, ya'know, i's got to keep it real, so i go to generic black store, you know how I keep it real. I suggested yes, you are the keeper of the real. I asked if he wanted to take my turn bowling, he laughed and muttered more about keeping it real. I then invited him to go swimming and then I quickly moved over to the lane and threw my 7 /.

I failed at keeping it real since my actual Bday is Friday.

Imperial

I stayed in the penthouse suite at the imperial palace this past weekend. The nicest room in the worst hotel on the strip.

You walk out of the 112 degree Vegas weather and are struck by the overwhelming sensation that you may still be outside except for the decrease in visibility. Imperial Palace (IP) seems to not want to invest in air conditioning. There is a stink in the air of cigarette smoke embedded in every surface, including your shirt after stepping beyond the first set of slot machines.

When you check into the hotel you get angry bitter asian or african women giving you your keys and hinting at how difficult it is going to be for you to find your room. That's when the fun begins.

So, that's where this entry ends.

Advice for Bar Takers

First off, I am completely ripping the idea for this blog off of the Fool.

The Bar is approaching for wanna be lawyers. People are beginning to stress out and lose connection with the reality of what awaits them next week.

This is what I would do with my last few days before the test:

1) Play some golf - you have to do something for 4 hours straight that is going to both stress you out and relax you. The bar is a test of stamina. The actual information covered is the bare bones of the law; you dont have to understand the why of anything only remember 60% of the what.

2) Assess the lawyers in your state - do a quick google search of attorneys who practice in your state. You will notice a large number of dumbasses. Look at how they look and the things that are written on their websites and blogs and realize, wow, the legal profession is populated with functional retarded overeducated childs of fortune. If these morons can pass the test, so you can.

Of course, you could look at it the other way, people far smarter then you have failed the test so really it is up to luck and you can do nothing about how it will turn out except relax, study a bit and try to undermine the people around you at the test.

3) Undermine the confidence of those closest to you - look you need to practice for this test. You cant overtly tell those around you they are going to fail, but you need to communicate that you know more then them and that there pursuit of bar accreditation is a lost cause. Try it with your girlfriend, you cant tell her she is fatter and hairier then you, but you have to find a way to let her know without stating it or having her blame you for her realizing this. Also, find a new girlfriend.

4) Practice outlining for essays - writing dozens of essays before entering the test is a waste of time, but you should outline the answers and know how you are going to attack essays from all the different multi-state topics.

5) Do as many sample multiple choices as you can. Aim for 80% accuracy and realize the questions are harder on the actual test and you are going to hope to get 70% right to secure passing the test without having to even worry about your state's independent section of the test.

6) Know how to get to the test - dont be late for the test, seriously, that would suck.

7) Set your poop schedule - you have to set up your daily poop schedule so that your dump is not coming during the actual test. If you are not regular like this, eat more fiber.

Good luck, remember the worst thing that can happen is you fail and have to take the test again. That result isnt too bad, at least you dont have to practice law for 6 more months.

solo practicioner

I went to a Oakland A's game last night and sat in a luxury box, that's how I roll. That sounds so much better then it was. The outfield seats across the bay at the Giants Stadium are nicer then the dingy hole they have drilled out near the upper level seating.

That's not the point.

I went for a birthday party and brought along this persian friend of mine, or as I call him, a terrorist.

He is a solo practicioner/terrorist. As he puts it, the economy is bad, so you have to do both.

Rays

The Tampa Rays are 3 games ahead of the boston red sox and 8 games ahead of the Yanks.

Being from tampa, I am beyond excited. To put this in perspective, the Rays winning their division is like a black man winning the 100m free style or better yet an asian winning the daytona 500.

I guess it is likely the Rays will falter sometime before September, but why can't they make the playoffs? I mean other then young pitching that has never seen situations similar to these or batters who have never been forced to come through in a pennant race? At least their third baseman is banging Tony Parker.

(Seriously, Asian in the Daytona 500, that would be like asking for crashes. I would watch that)

biting of the tongue

Being a young attorney practicing litigation is not the most aweful thing. Other then that sinking feeling that you are leaching off the rest of the world and add no value and do nothing to prove the worth of your existence, there is also the problem that older attorneys and judges want to make your life as difficult as possible.

This week I had a judge give me a lesson in law. I learned that I should come to hearings completely prepared. Of course. Thanks. Who knew that completely prepared meant knowing what weekends in 2009 my boss would be available when the case by local rules is required to be heard by october 08. Obviously I should have known that rules are gay.

I am really smart, but really stupid.

Dancing Badly Across the World

Okay, some of the 3 readers of this blog may have already seen this link,

Not porn

It is oddly enjoyable and makes me want to leave my office, get on a plane, go see another culture, mock that culture, then go to another country and repeat.

Asian Drivers

So, I took the deposition of an asian woman about a car accident.

Just take a moment and soak that in.

I wanted to show that the asian lady was a bad driver, how could I possible have done that?

Pretty: Are you a woman?
Asian: Yes

Pretty: For the record, do your eyes slant?
Asian: Yes

Pretty: We're done here

public transportation

I am taking the BART to and from work now. I refuse to sit next to any Asian on the train. I also refuse to be near the queers. So basically, I stand in the corner shaking and farting.


Actually, when I was in New York on the subway, I stood right in front of a really hot girl and when she hid her cleavage I turned around and started talking to the friends I was with. A minute after turning around I let out a classic gift with my booty right in front of the girl's nose. She didn't move, I wanted to turn around and get a look at her face, but I thought it would be too obvious. As we got off at the next stop, I finally saw her still gasping for some fresh air.

Tiger Tiger Woods

Anyone who watched the end of the 4th round of the US Open had to just love it. Tiger makes me want to be half black/half asian/quarter cherokee/third jewish.

Post round, tiger, with a smile, says, ya, i took some pain killers to deal with that knee pain. Dude was hopped up on vicodin and still sank that sick putt.

In response to fool's post, I am really looking forward to alt tabbing between work and si.com.

With Child (not my wife, phew)

A friend of mine is pregnant. Her husband, a superior human being, is the father. It is a wonderful thing and the couple are two of my favorite people so the odds are high the kid will be great except for the fact that he will be a jew.

The couple had about 20 friends and family over for a poker tournament. They announced the pregnancy after everyone arrived 30 minutes after we got there. As soon as we got to bumblefuck jew jersey. I thought, crap, my friend's getting pudgy. The worry is she will become like her sister in law, I am really glad I didn't grab her, pick her up in a bear hug and throw her around; that or punch her in the stomach like I am keen to do.

Just as a note, the sister in law makes me look anorexic.

As another note, the sister in law reacted as you would expect, sat in a corner and sulked that people were paying attention to someone else and that she had to wait before she could eat another slice of cake.

J O B

It turns out that I cant remain unemployed forever, so going back to work has me thinking, what's the worst part about the job.

I am an attorney ("pretty lawyer" give it away?). The worst part of being an attorney is looking in the mirror and realizing how huge a leach I am on society.

The worst part of working at 7/11? Being Indian.

Worst part of being a doctor or nurse? I have heard at least, sometimes when an obese woman comes into the hospital for some obgyn action, a team has to amass around the beached whale. Each leg requires two people to hold back the rippling fat so the doctor can go in the front and find and probe the dried up vagina. Sometimes the fat gets loose and the head gets stuck and th stirrups are of no use.

So, being a lawyer isnt that bad.

Is this offensive?

Vegas Hookers

I learned a few weeks ago where to find hookers while in Vegas. I assumed you could find them at every hotel and on every street corner, wrong. Circus Circus, if there are hookers there, they are old or clowns.

The best hotel for hookers on the strip is the Excalibur. Knights, Sponge Bob 4d, crappy poker room, thunder down under, and hookers.

So, if you know the lay out of the hotel, there are two towers with rooms. The pathway to the towers takes you from the middle of the casino past slot machines and a lounge. The hookers line the slot machines nearest the elevators to the entrance.

I lived at the Excalibur for an entire week. I had more then on run-in with the hookers. Being a guy without any friends with you in Vegas is basically like a magnet for hookers.

Since I am married and love the wife, I didnt pay for sex with a stranger. I didnt even accept free samples. But, I did learn alot about hookers and hooking.

I got into bargaining with, trying to get them to pay me for sex. I also started having conversations with some of the repeat sexual solicitors.

First I list the question, then the different answers I received.

1) How much do you charge?
- depends on how desperate I am for the money
- depends on how desperate he looks
- depends on if it looks like I will enjoy it
- 150, stop talking to me if you dont want to pay me for a good time

2) What brought you to Vegas?
- heard I could make alot of money here
- Want to strip for money, but cant get hired
- I like the weather
- I can make you forget where you are at, 150 dollars

3) You ever get in trouble with the law?
- ya, there are undercover cops all over the place
- ya, soliciting gets you thrown in jail for 12 hours then they release you.
- ya, so many vice cops all over these places, you arent one are you?
- why are you asking me, fine, 100 for whatever hole you want

4) What's the biggest problem you have with hooking here?
- the cops
- too many girls will give it up for free
- I have to whore myself out even more then other places just to compete with the tourist girls
- Seriously, last offer, 50 bucks and I'll let you pee on me afterwards

articles from college

I just found some stupid editorial I wrote for the sport's section of my undergrad's newspaper has been linked to by some random blog. The internet is out of control. I want money from that guy or at least a sexual favor.

more hookers

I have been to vegas a good number of times and have gone with friends the vast majority of those times. Maybe it is just the crowd I go wtih, but none of my friends or I had ever brought a girl back to one of our hotel rooms in Vegas. Some of my friends are ugly and anti-social others were just either in relationships or too busy gambling (degenerates).

This time, one of the guys sexiled another. We got wind of the situation when the sexiled guy showed up at the bar and informed us of why he was not asleep as we had been led to believe was his plan (what a girl). The first question of course was, did he pay for the girl or not? I assumed yes.

The sexiled one described the girl as an attractive blond who was wearing a jean jacket over a corset. I tried to get a pool going, but of course there was the problem of how likely were we to get the honest answer.

Unfortunately I never got any bets on the matter and the guy showed up with corset blond in tow. Someone other then me asked if she was a hooker and she said no, so mystery solved.

hookers

It was late Saturday night and I was walking alone from Mandalay Bay to the MGM. I had to pass through excalibur on my way to the footbridge over las vegas blvd to my destination. On my way out of the excalibur a 5'4 blonde woman showing slight cleavage looked at me and smiled. She asked me if I was looking for some company. I said no thank you, but I appreciated the offer, she touched my shoulder and said it was ok as I walked away.

Was that a hooker?

I mean she was dressed more conservatively then some of the girls I had seen wandering around mandalay. Either way, you can make sure the wife knows, the only temptation I had was to find out whether or not she was a hooker or just thought I was pretty.

Territories

Over the weekend the wife and I went to see a play in the city (city = SF until I move back east then NY). It was a show about the sister of the arab guy who fought the crusaders back when the french didnt give in to all their demands (or as my liberal law school would put it during the crusades). She purposefully got captured by some evil french man then seduced him with her crippled self (she has shaking attacks sort of like pickachu right before he shoots lightning out his ass).

So, the play is obviously a commentary on our role in the middle east and the way history overlooks women and the role they played in having sex with men who made a difference in history.

Synopsis, we shouldnt be in the middle east because eventually the one true lord of the muslims and their teddy bear hating cartoon tearing selves will demand we leave and defeat us. Women had a role in history even if it was only making the men act by whoring around. I think this is unfair to women, women also made a difference in history if they gave birth to great leaders or spread disease.

The acting was quite good. The play was very short but entertaining. If you live in the bay area I would check it out if you can get cheap tickets or something. I mean an hour and 15 minutes of anything isnt worth 45 bucks a pop.

Ok, maybe a few things, but nothing involving muslims.

Why I hate being an attorney

I had a trial about three months ago. The judge finally signed a judgment. I havent seen it yet, but opposing counsel tells me that somehow despite the judges stating to the alternative that he won the case and that we should pay his fees. It makes me rather angry not only because I feel like he is trying to take advantage of me as being green and ignorant, but also because he has been nailing his client.

I pointed out to him in email that if he continues to attempt to get his fees paid by our client that we have the compelling, you only kept this case going so you could get middle aged iranian ass defense.

Black Monday is Coming

It has become a yearly tradition to descend on Vegas with a dozen friends or so to celebrate the life and lessons of MLK. I will be attending black monday this year with guys from all over the country. At least once while we are there we will pause and consider how our lives would be different without the sacrafices and impact of MLK. That moment may come when someone hits a two outer on us or when the stripper asks for a tip, but that moment will come. The reminder for me that we are there in honor of the great man is when I look around at the faces of the guys with me, such diversity. Jews AND Asians and a few Wasps and maybe, possibly, an actual black person. He wont be with us, he will be playing the lottery.

minneapolis

It is ass cold in minneapolis in late December and early January. The moment you land at the airport you see mounds of white; snow and people. Other then spending time with the wife's family there were two distinct highlights.

1) Wife almost dies
2) Famous places

1) For anyone who has never been in snow, sledding is when you go down a hill on top of an instrument that was made somewhere in asia. In this case, the sled was plastic and circular. The brother in law, wife and I were going down steep golf course hills on our plastic sleds. We started by getting away from the crowd going down the 18th fairway and instead went further back into the course. We first went down a short hill that ran into an open area and evened out. That was fun for a half hour until we heard word of a better, steeper, more funner hill.

We wandered across the course and lined up to go down the hill. Before the brother in law could head down the hill, we caught view of two teenagers making out at the bottom of our hill. We made some loud noises and scared away the kids. Then, brother in law slid down, as he neared the end of the hill he gained speed and got closer and closer to some brush. He bailed and tumbled onto the snow. I followed, as I neared the end of the hill I spread my legs out wide and slowed myself to a stop. A pile of snow that reached my navel was built up between my thighs. I could not feel some important parts of me as they were pretty much frozen to my leg. I didnt have the motivation to get up, so I stared out into space and then noticed a stream behind the brush that had not quite frozen.

The wife started heading down the hill. She went faster and faster. Her brother screamed for her to bail, but like a woman, she did not listen. She got closer and closer to the brush and the stream. Then, brother in law lunged out of his sled, and tackled the wife out from her sled. The sled flung into the brush and the wife lay shocked in the snow.

2) I made a trip to the new gay mecca. I am not gay, I may live in the bay area, be extremely good looking, and have incredible fashion sense, but I only like black cock, I mean I dont like men.

As we made it through airport security I turned left and headed to the nearest bathroom. As I strolled passed the aisle of sinks and urinals I saw a middle aged balding jewish man taking pictures. A Jew dude in his yamulke and nose was taking pictures of a bathroom stall. We exchanged knowing glances. I walked into the stall 4 from the left. I looked on the wall for some scrawling, some nail mark, something to tell me that this was the very spot Sen. Craig tried to have elicit gay sex. I found nothing. I tapped my foot a few times, reached up under the stall to the person next to me, still, nothing. I sat up, peed on the seat, opened the door and went back to my wife.